Honestly, when we talk about parental stress, we are mostly referring to mothers - women overall keep our society together because the America has such a weak social safety net. The only activities that are considered “productive “ are those that lead to a profit, so caring for children or elderly or waiting for the cable person doesn’t count yet has to be done
When so much of society is so *extremely* stressed - including the entire ecosphere at this point - we have to take an urgent step back, stop fidgeting at the edges, and work to create a system that isn’t based on profit and exploitation.
While your tips are good ones and kind hearted, I can’t help but feel the problem isn’t really my capacity to carve out a lunch break, it’s the never ending grind of psychopathic capitalism.
Ha! Maybe my next post should be "My Top 10 Tips For Stopping the Never-Ending Grind of Psychopathic Capitalism." (But first I need to eat lunch. . . .)
Also, apologies if this sounds blunt or angry, it’s just I’m very angry at this bleedin system! (Not at the author here, she seems pure lovely and I’m glad she has functioning shoes)
Capitalism is a system premised on exploitation. Exploitation exists if and when the people that do the work produce a surplus that other people get and distribute as they see fit. It leads to ever increasing inequality. Obscene wealth beside abject poverty.
And if you are a capitalist, an employer, what of course is your interest under this system? To give the worker the least possible while getting the most out of them because that’s the biggest surplus that you can get and the more surplus you have the richer you will be. It’s the same dynamic for ruthlessly taking the earths resources. Take as much as you possibly can.
Sorry Laura. I was unclear in my question. I understand the definition of capitalism you just offered. I don't fully agree with it (e.g. I disagree that it's premised on exploitation), but I don't fully disagree with it either.
But what I was curious about is why you personally feel exploited? And why you feel ground down? What's the work that you're doing that makes you feel that way?
Any parent who is what I call a DING - Dual Income No (nearby) Grandparents - is especially likely to be overwhelmed. Maybe DINGs moved far away for school or work, or the gap between generations has grown so much that grandparents aren't around or as able to help with the kids. When I met a parent when I was pregnant, I'd often ask if they liked it or found it hard. It was striking the difference between those getting help from their own parents and those who were on their own. The best thing we've found to help with overwhelm is to get more help from my in-laws, even though they live in a different country!
I am so fortunate to be 10 minutes from my daughter, who had her first baby 6 weeks early! We spent a lot of time visiting in the hospital and now I go to her house several mornings a week for a few hours. They are fortunate in other ways, too. Massachusetts has parental leave, which they staggered. She is now working 3 days a week and he is on leave, but you know they still appreciate a few hours in the morning—and I love it! Not all grandparents are interested in being that involved, whether or not they are nearby, but society was not meant for one person to be alone with a baby (or babies) all day every day! It’s really hard. In a slightly different direction, single Moms who can’t afford child care (many of them) face so many obstacles. As a social worker, it seemed that if they had supportive family members to help care for the kids, they could make it—and without them, it was almost impossible. Health crisis, car breaks down, get behind on their bills—and they’re homeless.
The DING (or DINNG) acronym is SO true. I'm going to be using this one for sure. But I'd qualify it by saying that even some grandparents who live nearby may not have the ability to help. My parents moved closer to me one year after their first grandchild was born, but only after an accident left my mother wheelchair bound and needing significant help herself. My question I'm so curious about (if you don't mind sharing) is what do your in-laws do to help from another country?! Or is it mostly when they're visiting you from said country?
I'm really sorry to hear about your mom's accident; that must be so hard on all of you, and especially hard on your mom who I am sure wants to be helpful. My in-laws have been helping a few ways, especially this past year now that they retired and I have had Long COVID so need help myself. They sometimes fly to us for a long weekend so my husband and I can go away on a "date weekend" -- this is magically restorative! -- or sometimes my husband flies to them to get help looking after the kids during school holidays. My own mom helps my sister out (she also lives in another, different country) by video calling her kids to entertain them while she cooks or showers. I have tried that but find that company isn't as useful as actually being able to hand over responsibility -- the ability to actual not need to plan, think, anticipate, organize, react, manage tantrums, get the 15th spoon/water/ketchup at the dinner table, wake up early, run and jump and follow along the plot of the day's mini figure story, ... All of that relief and deep restoration is really only possible if you have relatives that can just TAKE OVER.
Just chiming in here for a second to say that I know both of you personally and it is making me VERY HAPPY to see you talking with each other on Substack :)
To your question re: preventing overwhelm, I like to schedule walks with friends at least once a week, bring my watercolors to work and paint on my lunch and watch bad tv. It’s not always easy to motivate but I know I’ll feel better if I do.
I have a lot of days when I feel overwhelmed even when I look at my schedule and somehow convince myself it's not overwhelming. It's such a blow to my self esteem. For context, I have two small children and have been a stay-at-home mom since becoming a mom in 2016. This Fall, both my kids are in full-day school, so my schedule has 'opened up.' Yet so many things have rushed into that gap! I get overwhelmed with the mundane tedium that motherhood and housewifing can bring. My mind is craving stimulation. It's a unique kind of overwhelm. That graphic you share at the end is interesting...in my experience, moms talk about their stress with each other. They might not talk about it with others, but there's definitely some venting happening amongst moms face-to-face and on social media.
This line in particular stands out to me: "My mind is craving stimulation." I think you really hit the nail on the head re what a lot of people -- particularly those with small children, and PARTICULARLY those who are their primary caregivers -- are struggling with. (And it leads to the horrible combination of feeling lonely AND bored.) Have you had experiences in the past where you felt like your need for intellectual stimulation was met? If so, is there any way to reconnect with those communities, or activities, or people?
Yes, that's why I'm on Substack, to read and write about the things I find interesting:). Also, in my neighborhood we have a group of moms that have started a book club! The things feel essential to my mental health.
When I was caring for 2 small children, there were 2 lovely options available to me (in Athens, Georgia in the 1980s): Mothers Morning Out 2 days a week at a local church, free or nominal; and Mothers’ Center. This was (maybe still is?) a national organization. “Classes” and discussion groups for Moms (one or two Dads), such as your second child, with day care provided for a few hours. I met several life-long friends that way, we had a babysitting coop and lots of gatherings. In addition to stimulating topics, Moms got to lead groups and learn about their own interests and abilities. La Leche League has meetings and events for families with young children too. And I always recommend going to church—not because of the beliefs, although you probably want to find one you are comfortable with, even if you don’t join. They have Groups and activities that can be a lifesaver. Really.
Yes, these are all lovely things! I used to go to La Leche League meetings and also volunteered to teach babywearing. Those things helped me feel connected to other moms. I'm not part of any organized religion, but I'm not opposed to bringing my kids to church now and then. I was raised Catholic, so I'm fairly comfortable in most religious settings.
As a sahm whose kids are big and in school (11 and 13), it seems like you would have so much more time--but it is often fragmented and not what we're used to thinking of as a full day. Usually, you just have a good morning's worth of time. It's a frustrating adjustment to feel the difference between the expectation and reality. Good luck finding what works for you.
I did the shoe thing once when leaving on a business trip and didn’t realize it until the second day of my trip. That means I took the shoes off at night and put them back on the next morning and STILL didn’t realize they didn’t match! Ended up buying another pair of shoes because once I noticed I was too embarrassed to walk around the rest of the week like that.
A few things: 1. I also got a filling last week and despite the dentist claiming that they didn't give me "the full dose" of numbing medication, it left me feeling numb for hours. Which meant I had to attend a school function that evening not feeling half of my face. 2. I asked our babysitter to come on the wrong day, and despite having made this request at least one month in advance, I didn't realize it until she showed up on the wrong day. 3. The only reason I am able to pack a real lunch is that my husband cooks and I pack the leftovers. But now I'm thinking about requesting that he buy Babybel cheese for me to include in my lunch!
Abby, as you may recall, the last time we saw each other in person I bought two bags of Babybel cheese at your neighborhood grocery store and had eaten at least three of them by the time we got to your house. . . .
I am a big fan of baths!! I usually start my day with a bath, even if it’s only a few minutes. It is so relaxing. I get my clothes ready while it’s filling, brush my teeth, etc. When it’s cold out, I leave the water in the tub to warm up the bathroom (and save energy).
Honestly, when we talk about parental stress, we are mostly referring to mothers - women overall keep our society together because the America has such a weak social safety net. The only activities that are considered “productive “ are those that lead to a profit, so caring for children or elderly or waiting for the cable person doesn’t count yet has to be done
When so much of society is so *extremely* stressed - including the entire ecosphere at this point - we have to take an urgent step back, stop fidgeting at the edges, and work to create a system that isn’t based on profit and exploitation.
While your tips are good ones and kind hearted, I can’t help but feel the problem isn’t really my capacity to carve out a lunch break, it’s the never ending grind of psychopathic capitalism.
Ha! Maybe my next post should be "My Top 10 Tips For Stopping the Never-Ending Grind of Psychopathic Capitalism." (But first I need to eat lunch. . . .)
Also, apologies if this sounds blunt or angry, it’s just I’m very angry at this bleedin system! (Not at the author here, she seems pure lovely and I’m glad she has functioning shoes)
I appreciate your clarification, Laura :) And I'm glad you're glad about my shoes.
Not really sure what this means Laura. Why are you "angry at the system?" How are you being exploited?
Capitalism is a system premised on exploitation. Exploitation exists if and when the people that do the work produce a surplus that other people get and distribute as they see fit. It leads to ever increasing inequality. Obscene wealth beside abject poverty.
And if you are a capitalist, an employer, what of course is your interest under this system? To give the worker the least possible while getting the most out of them because that’s the biggest surplus that you can get and the more surplus you have the richer you will be. It’s the same dynamic for ruthlessly taking the earths resources. Take as much as you possibly can.
Sorry Laura. I was unclear in my question. I understand the definition of capitalism you just offered. I don't fully agree with it (e.g. I disagree that it's premised on exploitation), but I don't fully disagree with it either.
But what I was curious about is why you personally feel exploited? And why you feel ground down? What's the work that you're doing that makes you feel that way?
Any parent who is what I call a DING - Dual Income No (nearby) Grandparents - is especially likely to be overwhelmed. Maybe DINGs moved far away for school or work, or the gap between generations has grown so much that grandparents aren't around or as able to help with the kids. When I met a parent when I was pregnant, I'd often ask if they liked it or found it hard. It was striking the difference between those getting help from their own parents and those who were on their own. The best thing we've found to help with overwhelm is to get more help from my in-laws, even though they live in a different country!
I am so fortunate to be 10 minutes from my daughter, who had her first baby 6 weeks early! We spent a lot of time visiting in the hospital and now I go to her house several mornings a week for a few hours. They are fortunate in other ways, too. Massachusetts has parental leave, which they staggered. She is now working 3 days a week and he is on leave, but you know they still appreciate a few hours in the morning—and I love it! Not all grandparents are interested in being that involved, whether or not they are nearby, but society was not meant for one person to be alone with a baby (or babies) all day every day! It’s really hard. In a slightly different direction, single Moms who can’t afford child care (many of them) face so many obstacles. As a social worker, it seemed that if they had supportive family members to help care for the kids, they could make it—and without them, it was almost impossible. Health crisis, car breaks down, get behind on their bills—and they’re homeless.
The DING (or DINNG) acronym is SO true. I'm going to be using this one for sure. But I'd qualify it by saying that even some grandparents who live nearby may not have the ability to help. My parents moved closer to me one year after their first grandchild was born, but only after an accident left my mother wheelchair bound and needing significant help herself. My question I'm so curious about (if you don't mind sharing) is what do your in-laws do to help from another country?! Or is it mostly when they're visiting you from said country?
I'm really sorry to hear about your mom's accident; that must be so hard on all of you, and especially hard on your mom who I am sure wants to be helpful. My in-laws have been helping a few ways, especially this past year now that they retired and I have had Long COVID so need help myself. They sometimes fly to us for a long weekend so my husband and I can go away on a "date weekend" -- this is magically restorative! -- or sometimes my husband flies to them to get help looking after the kids during school holidays. My own mom helps my sister out (she also lives in another, different country) by video calling her kids to entertain them while she cooks or showers. I have tried that but find that company isn't as useful as actually being able to hand over responsibility -- the ability to actual not need to plan, think, anticipate, organize, react, manage tantrums, get the 15th spoon/water/ketchup at the dinner table, wake up early, run and jump and follow along the plot of the day's mini figure story, ... All of that relief and deep restoration is really only possible if you have relatives that can just TAKE OVER.
Just chiming in here for a second to say that I know both of you personally and it is making me VERY HAPPY to see you talking with each other on Substack :)
I just wanted to say how much I appreciated your post about overwhelm and that I laughed out loud. So relatable. Thanks!
To your question re: preventing overwhelm, I like to schedule walks with friends at least once a week, bring my watercolors to work and paint on my lunch and watch bad tv. It’s not always easy to motivate but I know I’ll feel better if I do.
I have a lot of days when I feel overwhelmed even when I look at my schedule and somehow convince myself it's not overwhelming. It's such a blow to my self esteem. For context, I have two small children and have been a stay-at-home mom since becoming a mom in 2016. This Fall, both my kids are in full-day school, so my schedule has 'opened up.' Yet so many things have rushed into that gap! I get overwhelmed with the mundane tedium that motherhood and housewifing can bring. My mind is craving stimulation. It's a unique kind of overwhelm. That graphic you share at the end is interesting...in my experience, moms talk about their stress with each other. They might not talk about it with others, but there's definitely some venting happening amongst moms face-to-face and on social media.
This line in particular stands out to me: "My mind is craving stimulation." I think you really hit the nail on the head re what a lot of people -- particularly those with small children, and PARTICULARLY those who are their primary caregivers -- are struggling with. (And it leads to the horrible combination of feeling lonely AND bored.) Have you had experiences in the past where you felt like your need for intellectual stimulation was met? If so, is there any way to reconnect with those communities, or activities, or people?
Yes, that's why I'm on Substack, to read and write about the things I find interesting:). Also, in my neighborhood we have a group of moms that have started a book club! The things feel essential to my mental health.
When I was caring for 2 small children, there were 2 lovely options available to me (in Athens, Georgia in the 1980s): Mothers Morning Out 2 days a week at a local church, free or nominal; and Mothers’ Center. This was (maybe still is?) a national organization. “Classes” and discussion groups for Moms (one or two Dads), such as your second child, with day care provided for a few hours. I met several life-long friends that way, we had a babysitting coop and lots of gatherings. In addition to stimulating topics, Moms got to lead groups and learn about their own interests and abilities. La Leche League has meetings and events for families with young children too. And I always recommend going to church—not because of the beliefs, although you probably want to find one you are comfortable with, even if you don’t join. They have Groups and activities that can be a lifesaver. Really.
Yes, these are all lovely things! I used to go to La Leche League meetings and also volunteered to teach babywearing. Those things helped me feel connected to other moms. I'm not part of any organized religion, but I'm not opposed to bringing my kids to church now and then. I was raised Catholic, so I'm fairly comfortable in most religious settings.
As a sahm whose kids are big and in school (11 and 13), it seems like you would have so much more time--but it is often fragmented and not what we're used to thinking of as a full day. Usually, you just have a good morning's worth of time. It's a frustrating adjustment to feel the difference between the expectation and reality. Good luck finding what works for you.
Thank you:). It's a constant process of adjusting to everyone's needs!
I did the shoe thing once when leaving on a business trip and didn’t realize it until the second day of my trip. That means I took the shoes off at night and put them back on the next morning and STILL didn’t realize they didn’t match! Ended up buying another pair of shoes because once I noticed I was too embarrassed to walk around the rest of the week like that.
A few things: 1. I also got a filling last week and despite the dentist claiming that they didn't give me "the full dose" of numbing medication, it left me feeling numb for hours. Which meant I had to attend a school function that evening not feeling half of my face. 2. I asked our babysitter to come on the wrong day, and despite having made this request at least one month in advance, I didn't realize it until she showed up on the wrong day. 3. The only reason I am able to pack a real lunch is that my husband cooks and I pack the leftovers. But now I'm thinking about requesting that he buy Babybel cheese for me to include in my lunch!
Abby, as you may recall, the last time we saw each other in person I bought two bags of Babybel cheese at your neighborhood grocery store and had eaten at least three of them by the time we got to your house. . . .
Haha, I do recall that...and thanks for the reminder that I can get my cheese fix hyper locally!
thx 🌹🌻🌸💐💚💜❤️🌼😍🥰
I am a big fan of baths!! I usually start my day with a bath, even if it’s only a few minutes. It is so relaxing. I get my clothes ready while it’s filling, brush my teeth, etc. When it’s cold out, I leave the water in the tub to warm up the bathroom (and save energy).