How to Tell If You're Overwhelmed
And what to do about it
Hello, How-to-Feel-Alivers.
First, a caveat: I am writing to you after having spent the morning at the dentist’s, getting two cavities filled, and half of my face is still entirely numb from the lidocaine. How numb, you ask? Well, I worked out after the dentist appointment, and when I tried to take a sip of water, it fell out of my mouth and onto the floor of the women’s locker room. That numb.
I’m not quite sure what effects lidocaine does or does not have on one’s brain, but given that I just spent a half hour sitting in a phone booth at this co-working space, waiting for a phone call that is actually scheduled for tomorrow, I’m beginning to wonder.
But then again, I also left work at 2pm yesterday and went all the way across town for a doctor’s appointment that turned out to be scheduled for today, so it’s quite possible that facial numbing is the least of my problems and that I am, in fact, simply very overwhelmed.
Which brings me to the subject of today’s newsletter. It’s sort of in honor of World Mental Health Day on Thursday, but is also in honor of the fact that it is personally relevant to me, and, perhaps, to you as well.
How to tell if you’re overwhelmed
The signs differ by the person, but here are some recent events from my own life that would seem to suggest that the answer to the question, “Am I overwhelmed?” is affirmative.
I am someone who prides herself on having her shit together (more or less), and yet I’ve gotten the timing of two appointments wrong in two days.
I am running approximately one month behind on responding to emails (and have fantasies of my computer getting a virus that deletes my entire inbox).
I eat lunch about once a week and, when I do, it’s often just Babybel cheese wheels that I put into my bag while making my child’s lunch.1 And then I leave the waxy rinds on the desk for the rest of the day because I don’t feel like walking the fifteen feet to the trash can.
I realized last Thursday that I’d been carrying around a container of cottage cheese in my backpack for more than 24 hours, and instead of tossing it, I had a full mental conversation with myself about whether that meant it had gone bad,2 or if maybe it was just a little more fermented — kind of like kombucha, but dairy — and I seriously considered eating it.3
I realized that I’d been walking/running around so much that the soles of my shoes literally had holes in them, but instead of getting new ones, I kept wearing them for another three weeks, until one day it rained, and my feet got so soggy as I was walking home that I realized something must be done and then felt enormously relieved to discover that I had a spare pair of sneakers in my closet that I had forgotten about, which meant that I did not have to take fifteen minutes out of my day to purchase new sneakers online.
It’s only a problem if it rains? This happened:
The crazy thing about all this is that I actually did not realize the full extent of the overwhelm until I made that list. (And I could keep going!)
It’s making me wonder: what’s on your list?
Stress: It’s Kind of a Big Deal
The subject of overwhelm — especially for parents — has been in the news recently, thanks to the latest advisory from your-favorite-Surgeon-General-and-mine, Dr. Vivek Murthy, who pointed out in an op-ed that a “recent study by the American Psychological Association revealed that 48 percent of parents say most days their stress is completely overwhelming, compared with 26 percent of other adults who reported the same.” Here are some other depressing stats from the same study:
The Surgeon General’s report specifically focuses on parents, which I certainly do appreciate—but it’s worth noting that things aren’t looking too hot for people who don’t have kids, either. I mean, one out of five people without kids said that most days they are so stressed they cannot function. WTF. And also, WTF can we do about this?
WTF to Do About This
Far be it from me to claim to have all the answers (see photos of my shoes). But I do have some ideas. For example:
Eat lunch. By which I mean, give yourself the basic things that are necessary for your body to, you know, stay alive. This might also include breakfast. And getting adequate sleep. And making time to see friends. And moving your body every now and then.
If your clothing or footwear literally has holes in it, consider replacing it.4 And, as you do so, try to recognize that these annoying “tasks of adult life”—e.g. scheduling doctors’ appointments, waiting for the cable guy—actually do count as “being productive,” even if they feel like a waste of time.
Outsource what you can. If you have the ability to pay to get external help, then by all means, do it! Do not feel like you have to do everything on your own. And don’t do the thing I do where you feel okay spending money making other people’s lives better (parents, I’m talking to you), but balk when you’re spending money on yourself.5
Do not sit at your computer for 8 to 10 hours in a row, pushing yourself to continue being “productive” even though if you’re truly being honest, you’ve spent the last two hours toggling between your email inbox and the latest political polls, and have gotten nothing substantial done. In other words, recognize when you need to take a break—and figure out something that actually feels like a break.
I’m trying to work on this habit myself by noticing when I’ve shifted from productivity to procrastination, and calling it a day. (I’ve been trying it for a couple weeks and I feel much better—and haven’t seen a dip in productivity.)
I have the freedom to do this because I’m self-employed, but even if you need to stay in your office, you can still take a break — do some stretches, talk to a colleague, go for a brief walk — really anything that qualifies as a true break, not just a “break” where you toggle between browser tabs while also checking your phone.
Do you have other ideas?
Please leave them in the comments.
Speaking of sharing ideas, I also want to propose an idea and experiment to you. It’s based on the following graphic from that report about stress amongst American adults that I mentioned above:
Sure, parents score slightly worse on this one — but people without children aren’t doing very well, either. So here’s my idea:
Let’s Talk About It
In addition to opening up the comments section, I thought it might be fun and therapeutic to get a How to Feel Alive” group chat going on — one where we can talk with each other about the issues I’m raising in these newsletters and brainstorm things to do and try. As an experiment (and in addition to the free group chat in which subscribers share their daily delights), I just started a chat specifically for members of the Fun Squad (i.e. paid subscribers).
Note: in an ideal world I’d open this to all subscribers, without a paywall, but I also don’t want to end up with a group chat that adds to my own overwhelm (the irony) so I’m making it a Fun Squad/paid subscriber thing. Thank you for understanding!
The last thing I want to say, before I attempt to take one of those aforementioned “real” breaks, is that this post is not meant to glorify busy-ness and overwhelm. It’s kind of horrifying, in my opinion, how being exceptionally busy and overwhelmed has become a status symbol—something that people almost seem proud of. My hypothesis is that if your/our/my self-worth is defined by how busy we are, it probably indicates that another area of our lives is deficient in some way—for example, we have a lack of hobbies, or satisfying relationships, or we have a deep discomfort with being still—and the busy-ness is an attempt to fill some sort of existential void.
But let’s not tumble into that hole just yet. For now, I invite you to join the chat and share your thoughts on what you will do or try this week to nurture yourself and reduce overwhelm — and I’ll do the same!
To scrolling less, living more—and the lidocaine finally wearing off,
In my defense, bringing lunch is harder for me than it might seem to be because I have type 1 diabetes, and anything with substantial carbs — think sandwiches, or grain bowls — will mess up my blood sugar; some days, it feels easier simply not to eat. But this is an objectively stupid “solution” (starving your body = never the healthy choice) so I’ve been doing my best to bring low-carb food with me, including Babybels.
This is the correct answer.
I did not eat it. Instead, I felt so bad about having wasted an entire container of cottage cheese that I put it back in the refrigerator and continued to not eat it, my logic being that if I waited till it was past its actual expiration date, then I wouldn’t need to feel bad about throwing it out. I know. I have issues.
Or at least check the back of your closet to see if maybe you have some clothing or shoes that you forgot about, which might help buy you several more months of not having to go shopping.
After two decades of lugging my workout clothes around in my backpack every day, I recently signed up to rent a locker at my gym—a cost I’ve resisted for years. Not only does this reduce the amount of stuff I’m carrying around (I also carry my computer and books everywhere I go; my backpack is basically its own co-working space), but I recently discovered that the locker rental comes with laundry service. I’m sorry: what? You mean that I can put my sweaty workout clothes in a bag and that you’ll wash them for me? Given that my entire wardrobe basically is athleisure wear, this might mean that I never have to do my own laundry again.
Honestly, when we talk about parental stress, we are mostly referring to mothers - women overall keep our society together because the America has such a weak social safety net. The only activities that are considered “productive “ are those that lead to a profit, so caring for children or elderly or waiting for the cable person doesn’t count yet has to be done
When so much of society is so *extremely* stressed - including the entire ecosphere at this point - we have to take an urgent step back, stop fidgeting at the edges, and work to create a system that isn’t based on profit and exploitation.
While your tips are good ones and kind hearted, I can’t help but feel the problem isn’t really my capacity to carve out a lunch break, it’s the never ending grind of psychopathic capitalism.