Big announcement today! I’ve long wanted to host my own podcast, and have recently realized that instead of waiting for a sponsor to materialize out of the ether,1 I can do it myself through this Substack. So welcome to my official first episode.2
The goal of the podcast is to have interesting and fun conversations with interesting and fun people about how to feel more alive (and experience more joy, fun, and delight) in all areas of life. And so I’m thrilled to introduce you to my first guest, Charles Duhigg. Charles is a Pulitzer-Prize-winning journalist and bestselling author of books including The Power of Habit, Smarter, Faster, Better, and, most recently, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection. Charles also has his own Substack newsletter:
, in which he provides science-backed answers to some of life’s common questions (e.g. how do I get my kids to actually talk to me?). I recommend subscribing.Two notes before we begin: first, to clarify, I am not suggesting that you avoid small talk with Charles Duhigg. Rather, Charles helped me better understand how to avoid small talk and have better conversations. I suppose I could have called this post, “Listen to Charles Duhigg teach us how to avoid small talk and have better conversations,” but that was much wordier and amused me less.
Second, in the podcast itself, I refer to Charles’ second book as Stronger, Faster, Better. This is not actually the title of his book; it’s a jumbled version of a lyric from a Kanye West song. Apologies to Charles, and also apologies to you, for potentially getting that song stuck in your head.
His advice works!
I just had a chance to put Charles’ advice into action: I got my yearly (yes, yearly) haircut today, and while I always enjoy talking to my hair stylist, I decided to try something new. I noticed that he was wearing a beaded necklace and two beaded bracelets, which he hadn’t been wearing last April (the last time I got a haircut). So once he’d finished washing my hair and brought me back to his station, I asked, with no segue, “So, what’s with the beads?” (Grace is not necessarily my forté.)
Thankfully, he took this in stride, and told me about an Italian vacation (where he got one of the bracelets). This led to a conversation about Italy, which led to a conversation about European geography, which led to an interesting conversation about his fascination with the history of World War II, which led to him sharing an story about a medic in Normandy that gave us both goose bumps. By the end of my haircut, I felt like we both had gotten to know each other better than we have over the ten years or so that I’ve been going to him, and we parted ways with a hug. Nothing felt awkward or small-talky about it; it was nourishing, enlivening, and delightful. Which leads me to . . .
Your Assignment (Should You Choose to Accept It):
Try out Charles’ advice this week and tell us about it in the comments.
Pro tip from his book: if you’re at a loss as to what to ask, pretend that you’re talking to a close friend. What would you ask that person? Try it out on a stranger or acquaintance and see how it changes the conversation. And don’t be afraid to get deep quickly—not only is that how you truly connect with someone, but it’s often much less awkward than you’d think (and certainly less awkward than the usual small talk!).
Also: instead of asking a purely fact-based question (e.g. “Where did you go to high school?”), ask how people feel about it. (For example, once someone has told you where they went to school, follow up by asking them “What was high school like for you?”)
Coming up soon:
As longtime subscribers know, this newsletter is eclectic—because there are a lot of things I’m interested in, and lots of contexts in which we could stand to feel more alive. (For example: at work, in our leisure time, in our relationships, as individuals, and as parents.) So here’s a preview of some of the newsletters coming up:
I’ll be doing a podcast episode with Ross Gay (author of The Book of Delights and inspiration for our group delight chat!)
I’ve got an episode coming up with Devin McNulty, the self-described “head of braintending” at Funmentum Labs (←click on that link to subscribe to his Substack) to troubleshoot challenges sent to us by readers about how to harness the power of fun at work. (To learn more about our collaboration, check out this post — and if you’d like to submit a challenge for us, become a Fun Squad member and post it to this thread)
I’ll be diving further into the subject of kids and phones, including sharing notes with you from a conversation I had with
, author of the “Be ScreenStrong” Substack, which is all about navigating kids and screensI’ll be sharing some of my favorite products and platforms that can help you create better boundaries with your own phone
I’ll be telling you about my neighbor, Norma and what she has inadvertently taught me about the value—and peril—of cultivating acquaintances and loose ties (warning: Norma is definitely NSFW)
So check out the podcast, tell me about your conversational experiences, and please share it with anyone whom you think might find it interesting. Also, huge thanks to all of you who have become paid subscribers/Fun Squad members—I’m a full-time freelancer (i.e. totally self-employed) and truly do appreciate your support of my work.
To scrolling less, living more, and having better conversations!
PS: Are you struggling with a big decision? Check out my friend Abby Davisson’s decision-making webinar and course:
In addition to being the co-author of Money and Love: An Intelligent Roadmap for Life’s Biggest Decisions—and my colleague and friend—Abby’s also a Fortune 200 leader-turned-entrepreneur, and holistic decision-making expert. She’s about to launch something I think some of you may find really useful.
Abby is teaching a live, virtual, cohort-based course that launches April 26 called Make Big Life Decisions with More Ease and Less Angst.
The course will cover topics including clarifying your values and priorities; communicating effectively with important stakeholders; and avoiding the stumbling blocks that lead to regret. As Abby herself describes it:
The course is for you if you're seeking evidence-based wisdom, structure, and support as you consider a choice that feels scary, daunting, and exciting (a career pivot, a move, investing in a relationship or leaving one, for example). Through short lessons, practical reflection exercises, personal stories, and interactive conversations, you'll break down a complex decision into manageable pieces. You'll walk away with a clear action plan customized to your specific situation and constraints, and you'll feel more empowered and confident as a result.
In addition to co-authoring Money and Love, Abby has applied its evidence-based framework to her own life to take big leaps (translation: she quit her job). More information on the course is here, or you can reach out directly to abby@abbydavisson.com to learn more.
All How to Feel Alive readers can enter code ALIVE100 for $100 off the course price.
In addition, Abby has generously offered a free spot in her course to a How to Feel Alive subscriber who could benefit. To be entered into a drawing for the spot (an $800 value), simply apply using this link by 4/19 and mention "How to Feel Alive" in the question that asks "How did you hear about this course?" The winner will be notified by 4/22.
If you would like to sponsor this podcast, feel free to materialize out of the ether.
Yes, I’ve posted conversations before — c.f. with NYT tech columnist Kevin Roose—but this is the first one I’m sending out to other podcast platforms.
Avoiding Small Talk With Charles Duhigg