I’m serious: I want you to pretend that your phone is a person, and I want you to write it a letter breaking up with it. You can take whatever tone you want—loving, excited, disappointed, regretful, angry—whatever feels right.
But in case you’re stumped, here are some questions to get you started:
What do you love about your phone?
What don’t you love about your phone?
For example, what are its annoying habits? How is it being controlling? How is it interfering with the things you love doing, or the people you love spending time with? What makes you angry about its behavior? (Don’t be afraid to be specific — and don’t hold back: your phone will never actually read this letter.)
How do you feel after you spend time together?
Our lives are ultimately defined by what we pay attention to. What does your phone want you to pay attention to, and how does this align (or not align) with how you want to be living your life?
What are you looking for in a relationship with a phone? (For example, what would it do for you? When would you be together? When would you be apart?)
Imagine that it’s the future, and you’re in a healthy relationship with your phone. What does that relationship look like? How do you feel?
So set a timer for 10 minutes, start with “Dear Phone,” and see where it takes you.
(You can write/share your letter by leaving a comment on this post.)
Have fun, and I can’t wait to see what you write!
To scrolling less and living more,
Catherine
ps: I may use excerpts from some of these letters in a future newsletter or the upcoming revision of How to Break Up With Your Phone. (I’ll use whatever first name you use to sign the letter.) If you don’t want your letter shared in these ways, no problem - just say so in a PS.
pps: Some of you may recall that How to Break Up With Your Phone starts with a breakup letter to my own phone. If you want to read it, it’s at the bottom of this post.
I know you need lots of attention and you need me to give it to you. But our story has evolved. We were best friends when I was pregnant and had a newborn during Covid lockdowns. You were a lifeline which offered connection to other Mums as their minds and bodies also healed in a strange, lonely, fearful world. We sat and watched white middle aged men on TV make decisions about our bodies and lives - I attended scans alone and wondered if my partner would make it to the birth. Deep breathes. We will make it through.
Messages in the silent darkness of the small hours "is anyone else out there, are you awake?" We shared poetry and music, tears and joy on Whatsapp. For some in my birth group, the connection you gave was simply not enough and they sadly decided this world was not for them when their baby was 12 weeks. We couldn't reach her. Their last messages still sit on my phone.
Connection and community are powerful and in the end, they're all that matters. I know this. But I see human connection fading in society. I was talking to my young daughter's about what makes a good friendship but they rarely see/ hear this as it is all on Whatsapp/ Signal with you.
So, Goodbye for now little phone. It's been fun and you have taught me a lot. But now I am focusing on a different kind of connection - just sitting and being with another human, silences, their tone of voice, body language, facial expressions, hugs and simply stroking my friend's hand when there are no words.
My young kids and I have made you a cosy little bed in a box with a lid which will be where you will stay from 7pm each night. When they are old enough, their phones will join you there too. You can no longer notify me, you are black and white and many of the old apps are now gone.
This may seem a radical step but it is true that generations after mine do not know a world without the world wide web and social media. I am the last generation before smart phones sapped copious amounts of time and energy. And fed young people toxic information before they had developed the tools to process it. And radical change is needed. Even if again, white, middle aged men at the top making decisions won't make these changes. I will for my children. I will show them a different way.
We have a love-hate relationship, haven't we? I mean, I depend on your GPS to take my places (I suck at remembering directions), I use Google Podcasts and Spotify to play my favorite episodes and songs, I write notes when I need to vent and don't have access to a pen and paper, I use Duolingo to learn Spanish, you give me access to the mighty world wide web when I want to find out just about anything, I use your camera to capture moments I never want to forget.
BUT. There are so many things I hate about you. I hate how tempting you are. How I sometimes aimlessly hold you when there's nothing really I want to do (even when I'm not using social media), I sometimes just read through my notes or see people's display pictures on WhatsApp (guilty). How Instagram sucks my time and attention like a vacuum. How I reach out to you when I'm bored, need entertainment or distraction.
You're indispensable. I'll give you that. But I'd love it if we have a healthier relationship. I'd like to reach out to you only when I need you. I'd like to be more present when I'm around people I love. I'd like to embrace boredom, waiting, or awkward situations without staring at your screen. I'd like to use you for way less hours a day. I want to have time and space to do other things I'm passionate about (especially with my already limited time and attention span as a first-time mom for a one-year old). I want to find gratification from things other than you.
Can we do that, please? Can we start having more boundaries?
I love how you keep me connected to those I love. WhatsApp keeps me connected to my family, Cathy, Michele, Lisa. Messenger keeps me connected to lots of others, and with most of our friends and contacts in Chiang Mai. Line is another one. It's nice to be able to send a quick email, especially to myself as a reminder. You tell me when the UV rays and PM2.5 are dangerous, when to expect my period. You're a calculator and a currency converter. I can ask you anything and I get a quick answer. I like that you keep a joint grocery list for hubs and me. I love that you hold all my photos, and now make it easier to search for them (thanks, AI). I pay for everything with you. I can listen to music, audiobooks and podcasts anywhere. You make it easy to quickly shop for things and order food.
I DON'T love how you suck my time. You draw me into social media and I lose hours a week scrolling through stuff that doesn't make me smarter, happier, or more connected like I'm hoping for. I don't love how you are an easy distraction and procrastination tool. You've made me think that numbing is a helpful tool or a treat after a tough time. I get SO PISSED when I've been given the gift of an hour to myself, my kindle is RIGHT NEXT TO ME, but you lure me in with your stupid social media algorithms and all of a sudden my hour is gone. You make me feel shame.
After one of these time sucking scrolls, I often think to myself "how would I rate that time I just spent? did it serve a purpose? am I glad I did it?" and the answers are always an ovewhelming "super low. not a good one. definitely not." I feel fooled and embarrassed, and frustrated that you overpowered my willpower once again.
Scrolling and checking email do not align with how I want to live my life. ESPECIALLY in this season, when I've been HANDED a bunch of extra time and a lot less responsibility at work, I surely don't want to be filling that golden void with your garbage, phone. I want to fill that time with reading, mindfulness, mobility training, stretching, messing around on the ukulele, working on my classes, and FRIGGIN SLEEPING. When the hell did I start giving you permission to steal an hour+ of my bedtime??
Here's waht I want our relationship to look like. I want you to be my bitch. You do what I say. I want you to add groceries to the list? Do it. I want to intentionally send an email or reminder to myself? Don't distract me with other shit. I need to get somewhere? Map it and shut up. I want to listen to a podcast/music/audiobook, pay for something, take a photo, set a timer, track my period, add some numbers... basically use you as a tool?... JUST DO THAT. Don't entice me with facebook and insta. I don't want to carry you around, ask my kids where you are, or have you within arms' reach all the time. I don't want to be looking at you while i'm in bed or falling asleep with you in my hand. I don't want the first thing I do when I wake up in the morning be to check email or facebook. I don't need you next to me at work or with me at lunch. So where DO I want you? It's honestly hard to envision you completely outside my bedroom, but out of reach would be ideal. Think about how much more reading I would be able to do! Or maybe even a morning stretch? Evening journal? So many possibilities.
On equal par with me wanting to take my time back, is my desire to model a healthy phone relationship with my kids. I am NOT practicing what I preach right now, and they are at such a formative age. You compete with them for my attention and oftentimes win. It sucks! They deserve better, and I want to be a model of good screen balance for them.
So, this is me breaking up with you. I am addicted to you, and I will probably need help sustaining this. But it's necessary and I want it. Bye.
I was absolutely thrilled the first time we met! It was great knowing I could access the internet when I wanted and take pictures. First, I was reluctant to bring you places because, you were well expensive. However, I bring you everywhere now and you always are in my pocket or close at hand.
I feel like we have a good relationship during the workday because you are rarely out (except at lunch when we spend time together instead of socializing with my colleagues). After work and on the weekends , we are spending too much time together that I’m starting to lose interest in other hobbies…
I love that I can use you to look up information and be just a phone call for family emergencies. But all the time I spend scrolling is making me tired and grumpy. Something has to change phone so I’m taking a break to reset our relationship. I need more balance in my life. We need to stop seeing each other so much while I figure out what works best in my life.
When you first appeared, I was so happy. I always wanted the internet close at hand, and you made that wish possible. You came to validate everything I thought about its power. The internet makes us smarter, faster, more connected with the world.
With you, I could become a nerd on any subject that came up because you opened a window to the world. I could win any argument at the bar involving data or historical facts. Your presence was also very comforting in doctor's waiting rooms, in lines, on Sunday nights.
With my phone in hand, I was invincible, and you always stayed close to me. You lent me an air of being famous or a powerful professional woman. Looking at you, I felt important, sought after.
And over time, more and more people started to look like me, walking around with their phones, which only confirmed that you were that kind of love that changes a person's life. You gained more and more possibilities and took over me and society.
Through you, I find out everything that's happening in the world. Inside you, I put my whole job, and it's thanks to you that I have an afternoon outdoors now and then. Any problem, you notify me with sounds and vibrations.
Through you, I watch the videos everyone is talking about, the laws that have been passed and we must fight against, and also everyone's latest vacations. You bring me comfort because I know you're always there, ready to bring me endless content. I can indulge in your bytes without ever finding the bottom of the bowl.
But our relationship started to change and became abusive. Like a jealous man, you began to listen to my private conversations even when I was away from you. And you still offered me products that fit into the conversation!
I began to neglect those around me because you demanded my presence. Your charms were aphrodisiacs, bringing me back whenever I strayed a bit from you.
You mediated my relationships with my friends and replaced my physical presence for my friendships, my family, and even my work. My relationships became likes, comments, DMs, and no longer lunches, phone conversations... You even spared me from birthday parties by offering the possibility of sending a message and just getting it over with.
You gave me a cocoon to close myself off in, and I ended up ignoring the world around me. Everyone around me started to ignore me too. While dining with work colleagues, between ordering food and waiting for it to arrive, each retreated into their cocoon, unable to talk about anything trivial.
You assured me you had everything I needed but fed me with low-nutritional-value foods. You chose what I should see and generated successive, conflicting emotions at all times: shock, anger, anxiety, envy, affection. I had to be with you every moment I was awake. I go to bed, and you call me for a little while longer. I started to carry you in a pouch on my body because I know I can't live without you nearby.
The times I tried to stay away from you for more than a day, I felt neuronal torture, as if my brain was screaming because it was no longer being nourished with your stimuli. A constant anxiety reminded me that the world was happening on the Internet, and I was missing out.
You changed the culture by becoming the culture itself. I don't know why they call you virtual when everything that goes through you is so real. Bank accounts, contracts by email, long-distance affection.
You make it seem that if I break up with you, I will be the one to suffer. Badly. In life, in the world. I will be left out, obsolete, forgotten. You convinced me that I need you.
But then I remember that I have life. This spark of light that makes a body made of flesh, membranes, and bones, walk, eat, talk, feel. I am not an inanimate object. I am not a robot. I have a physical body that is so wonderful it is capable of healing the diseases I catch. I am in communion with nature, which pushes me to keep living, fighting for survival.
You are not natural. You are an invention designed to keep me addicted to your stimuli, a machine made of lithium and heavy metals, with a great data processing power that we ourselves provide you. Deceived by our narcissism, we gave you everything, trusting you would take care of us, be a tool to help us escape the boring things, be more productive, use our time better. But you stole our time, and now we are slaves to your processes, your demands to keep us alive and operational in the world.
You manipulate us into staying angry because it engages more. You play with our feelings by offering products that supposedly are exactly what I need. But I don't need things; I need to live without you. Your online shopping leaves me in a calm state, wanting to be alone with you, instead of exposing myself to the harshness of human relationships, to the rawness of life.
You emulate reality and turn me into a zombie, looking with a lost gaze at your screen as I scroll down the feed a bit more in search of another sip of dopamine juice. When I realize it, I discover that I unlock your screen at least once every ten minutes during the day. No animal does anything in such quantity. Maybe breathing, swallowing. But checking my phone should never have taken up so much of my time; it's unnatural, inhuman.
You transformed all my language, my brain, my thoughts, my emotions. You entered and took over everything.
But you don't have cells; you don't have the breath of life. You shouldn't have so much power over me. You will not dominate my mind. I will resist. I can live without you. I know I can. All that's left is to find out how.
Dearest Phone -- after I retired in 2017 and moved away from my place i had lived for over 40 years, you were my way to stay connected, read the hometown newspaper and visit with friends -- texting like I was just a walk away instead of 700 miles. And retirement brings lots of free time. Bad. And the political climate brings lots of things to track and pretend that my attention could change the course of events. Wrong. So lots of my free time went to you instead of the glorious joys of retirement. Now, instead of getting out of bed for the shower and work, I reach for you and do Wordle. At night, before bed, sometimes I stay up to 12:01 AM to do the next day's Wordle. Sad. All the imagined glories of being unscheduled with time have been consumed my you. I don't mean to make you feel bad. And I really hate conflict (Enneagram 9.) What Enneagram sign are you? No matter, we really don't belong in an intimate relationship. I want to turn my image of you into a Cuisinart or InstantPot -- doing something useful on demand, but never coming with me to the bathroom, the bedroom, church. In learning to set boundaries, I need to take back my time and space. So please accept my invitation to join the ranks of the kitchen appliances -- the smartest toaster in the world.
This is it, iLady. This mad all-consuming, can't live without you passion. It has to stop.
It's not you, it's me. Well actually it IS you and sorta me. Oh you were born and bred to seduce and so you have.
Oh I can hear you crooning along with Mick, "you'll come runnin' back, you'll come runnin' back..." and I suppose time may well be on your side in the long run.
But now, right now, I want my time back. Time for sitting and staring at the sunset uninterrupted, undisturbed. Time to walk the dog and pay attention to the dog. Read a book.
There was a time when I swore I would never have a phone and then, you crept into my life and showed me how easy it was to find a friend in a crowd, navigate a city I'd never been too, read my email on the bus. It was fun, I felt part of the in-crowd. It was great.
I'm not saying we won't see each other anymore. But let's keep it light. A text from my grandson now and then. A message from the gang in Australia. But no more scrolling instagram. No matter how funny or cute or apparently informative. That wild revolving world, disappearing even as it arrives. No... my time is worth more, I'm worth more.
Don't lose heart. I'll still call Nelson and that should give you a little purpose.
Goodbye. We had a good run. You've seen a lot. But now it's time for me to do this myself. When you're near me, I feel it. When you're away, I feel it. I need that space back. I need the space between us to grow and quiet. E is here now, watching, waiting to be held and loved in every moment. I can't look at you instead of her. You aren't as beautiful, silly, and you don't fill my cup the way she does. You are a distraction. I remember being a teenager and having a flip phone for when I went out to a sports game to call my mom to pick me up when the game was over. I happily handed her phone back to her when she picked me up. No one texted, no one cared about the internet and facebook was just coming around-- Everyone was present, having fun, being together. I want to get back there. I am going to leave you behind. You'll be fine, I know it.
When we first met I thought you were so cool. You promised to make my life easier and better in every way. You are powerful and can do an endless amount of things. I used to love how you were always there for me and you knew what I need before I knew myself. But I feel myself clinging to you and becoming dependent on your strengths. I don't like the way it feels when I become lost in your orbit, or when I reach for you whenever I have feelings. I want to choose what I want for my future, not have you leading my down the path you think is right. And in the end it may have all been a ruse from the beginning! You don't really like me, you pretend to like me so your crowd can make money off my time and energy and good intentions. I don't want to spend months of my life in your virtual world, chasing inbox zero or scrolling mindlessly, I want the REAL WORLD with real sights and real sounds and real smells and real warmth. You act like you know me but you don't. Our relationship is over. You are just a tool.
To my phone, there is so much I love about you. Being able to stalk my kids, I mean, being able to know where my kids are at all times, staying connected with out of state family, sharing funny memes, and photos, documenting important milestones in my life, and making memories I can look back on. I love being able to listen to whatever music I want when I want, along with whatever show or movie I would like to watch. Every morning , I want to play the Wordle, Spelling Bee, Connections and the crossword with you. You have opened my world to on-line chess. You make it so that I can stay connected with my professional life without being in the office. There is so much to love. However, you have a dark side. My mindless scrolling of instagram, FB and X, and news stories leads to so much anger and anxiety. I live with existential dread every day, and the world feels so overwhelming. It never ends. The feed just keeps on rolling and rolling and rolling, and I could spend the rest of my life glued to your glowing screen. I look up sometimes, and everyone is on their phone, like Wall-E come to life. I fondly remember what it was like to grow up without the internet and you, phone. It was wonderful, and I had no idea. I naively gave you to my children as well, and I have seen what you have done to them. The eating disorders, depression, self harm, anxiety..... also the lack of focus. We all live like we have ADHD now. And in my mind, I keep screaming that I need to put you down, but I always pick you back up. I need some distance from you.
We’ve been together in one form or another since 2007. And I love all the things you let me do from learning about anything I could want to learn about, to keeping in touch with friends, to finding great places to eat.
But in the more recent years, you’ve become demanding and controlling. You want subscriptions for EVERYTHING! You pop up and demand my attention all the time. But more importantly, you enable my worst tendencies. You make it easy for me to get lost for hours on things that don’t really matter. I know you’re just trying to make me happy. But it’s not healthy. It’s like I was a smoker who wanted to quit and you kept bringing me cigarettes.
I need some space. I need you to back off a little. I need time and room to establish some boundaries, so I don’t get all-consumed in you. I need to change. You’ll need to change some things too, but I’ll help. I need boundaries that mean if I check and reply to a message from a friend, I don’t end up sucked into hours of meaningless scrolling.
I’m not going anywhere. I couldn’t live in modern society without you. But I need a relationship that’s less all-consuming.
I love the things you can do for me like using the camera and the gallery. I love listening to books on my free library app and podcasts. I love searching for stuff I don't know anything about. I kicked social media about 3 years ago so breaking up with you is going to be harder. I hate how I felt I had to take you to bed with me "just in case" - I've kicked that but it was hard and you still psychically whisper that you should be there with me. The next step is to stop looking for houses for sale by the sea and puppies when my partner's watching football, football and yet more football. Or Bargain Hunt. Or The Repair Shop or scrolling on his phone. . .about football
Ha -- maybe we can do a future challenge called, "How to Break Up With Football." (Also, fantasy real estate searches are one of my weaknesses as well. Did you ever see the parody SNL skit about this? It's NSFW, as indicated by this URL -- but I found it hilarious: https://mashable.com/video/snl-zillow-ad-real-estate-porn )
Dear phone, it's about us. You alone are not responsible, and it's not just me. It's the combination. When we spend a lot of time together, I get sucked in. Hours pass, my curious mind is tricked into going down meaningless rabbit holes, and my attention is taken away from the real things in my life and handed over to the chimeras, fabrications and emotional manipulations inside that tiny screen. When I snap out of it, I feel tense and tired and not my happy self. I feel like a shadow self. Kind of Golum-y: anxious, acquisitive, afraid, ungenerous, suspicious, tense. Which is not to say there haven't been good times. Within this handset I have stored many memories: photographs, voice memos that I love to return to and am so glad I saved. And sometimes when I'm texting or talking with friends and family, I cackle. FaceTime lets me see my nephews growing, and connects me to friends far away. I wish we would do more of that and less of the neck-cranking, involuntary thumb and finger pinching poking stroking scrolling of the all too many lost hours. So I think we need to spend some time apart so I can focus on myself and what brings me joy. Perhaps there's a path to a healthier version of us. I know when I've tried to give you up in the past, the sky has been bluer, my children's laughter more delightful, my body calmer, my eyes and ears... all my senses more alive to the world and its wonders. But I have to be honest this time. I don't have nay more of the apps, but I have the social media passwords saved to safari. So I'm still lurking for hours and hours on Instagram and Facebook and ugh the cesspool of X twitter. Time to cut the chord and delete the passwords. I wish you well. But I need to do this for myself.
I love you, but you’re bringing me down. Last year, when I decided I wasn’t going to check Facebook on you anymore? That helped our relationship, but it wasn’t enough. Every time I pick you up while I’m spending time with my kids, I feel incredibly guilty, both for not being present with them, and for setting a terrible example. It’s time for me to move on so I can be fully part of my own life, and not just an accessory to yours. I guess I’ll see you around.
Dear phone, I love most how you’re a part of my social circle. You help me stay connected to my friends and family. Especially now one of them is ill. I value this connection so much. And you give me access to great things, like new recipes, things to do. I love to listen to books and podcasts. But our relationship has just got out of control. You’ve trained my body to reach for you too often. A reflex. I particularly dislike you in the mornings. I want to get up. Do yoga. Potter about. Maybe sit outside with a cup of tea. Instead I’m in bed reading the news or doing this letter! You slow me down. Pull me in. I’ve recently stopped Facebook on the phone all together. It wasn’t even hard. So I know I can conquer you for good!
It’s funny to think that I hesitated to get “involved” with you in the fall of 2000 because I thought cell phones might not be here to stay. I remember you charged me for minutes and for every text message I sent. I felt pressure to get unlimited texting but I could not imagine texting that much. Years later I would move into the realm of unlimited data - which I swore I was never need or do. The more I connected through you, the less I connected without you. You gave me instant gratification in many different ways, but never any lasting gratification. And while you will never not be in my life, you will no longer be first in my life.
When we first started spending time together it was really fun and exciting. But it’s different now. We spend hours together and it’s just kind of boring and sad.
I’m so attached to you, though, I don’t know how to be a part from you. The thought of living without you is terrifying to me.
But I think that’s exactly what I need to try to do. I think I need to explore what my life would be like without you. I need to find out what it’s like to not wake up next you. I need to find out what it’s like to drive somewhere and not have you in the car with me. I need to eat a meal without looking at you. I need to go to the bathroom without you.
I know you don’t understand but that’s because you never understand.
Dear mobile phone. I love you so much. I love the feel of you in my hand, my wide grasp hugging your sides. I love that I can check you – that there might be something important to engage me distract me from the boring weight of every day life, but I think it’s important that we don’t spend every waking minute second, hour together. The magical mystical angels of love, and creativity can come to dance and sing in those times that we’re not together. Just then you pull me back in - it’s downright seduction and it needs to stop the silence. I’m so scared of is actually a friend, quite more thoughtful lover who’s embrace I need to nurture and care for, so dear mobile phone we will spend time together but it won’t be so frequent and the need less Desperate.
Oh, what a wild ride it has been together. Our relationship started out fun, I got to text my friends, post on Facebook as another way to connect with friends, play 3000 levels of candy crush when I got bored.
You also helped me immensely get through the hardest mental health struggles of my life. 3 years of my life I was able to post on Snapchat about my struggles, join groups on Facebook to feel connected to others. Heck, you even made it possible for me to meet one of my best friends through a Facebook group for The Office fans!! You made me feel not as alone during a time I felt the most lonely and worthless I've ever felt.
I'm doing so much better now, mentally. I think I'm so used to using you because for my depression years, you were the only thing that got me through each day. I have this habit engrained in me now that you are my lifeline, but I need to realize that our relationship has become toxic, and I no longer need you. I'm not lonely anymore. I'm waiting to flourish but I feel like something is holding me back. And I realize now that it's you. You did SO much for me, and I feel so scared to let you go. You're my comfort zone, and I'm scared to be uncomfortable for a while without you. But I know that I need to change our relationship in order for me to reach my full potential.
Thank you for everything. I'm so grateful for your help getting through the hardest time in my life. And I'm so ready to blossom and become who I've always known I can be.
You are not the first substance I have picked up for "fun" but ends up making me feel tired and sad. I always think some exterior thing is going to give me more energy or make me feel less bored or get me out of my own life for just a little bit but it actually ends up doing exactly none of those things. You are just the newest version of this vicious circle. You are too easy to abuse and I have to stop. Also I really need to set a good example for CKG. Watching her pretend to scroll is just heartbreaking. I need her to learn how to be a person before she just watches other people pretend to be people. I'm not saying I'm not going to stop by for the occasional nail art tutorial or recipe, and of course I'll see you at bedtime for audiobooks! We will always read with our ears!! I want to try some things on my own for a little while. I've got to get back in touch with what I like and think and watch and listen to and do, not just what all the people inside you do.
nothing, no-one, makes me feel as insecure as you do. no single thing. not even the people in my life who have *actively tried* to make me feel insecure. i hate that. i can't tolerate that. where is my self-respect? why is it ok for a machine to rob me of this, but not a human? i would not maintain any other relationship of this kind. i get it now. we need to break up.
you are the master of doubt and discomfort.
i have started to see you, sat across the room, quietly tempting, as a source of evil. how i felt about alcohol, how i feel about alcohol; perched in people's hands, an accessory, a distraction, an evil. they are one in the same, but it's easier to pretend they're not because everyone else is doing it.
how do you fit in at the dinner table with neither a drink NOR a phone in hand?
We've had some times, haven't we? You took me on amazing journeys and helped me discover real life places and things to do. You keep me entertained and connected with people I've moved far away from. You inspire me with fun colorful imagery, engaging thoughtful articles and I can see the possibilities of great things to do! You keep me in touch and on top of all the work/freelance things. HOWEVER, all the whirlwind of activity has made my ADHD brain even less focused. I find it hard to do anything for more than a few minutes. I had to retrain myself on how to read a book (something I used to be good at). And, it is still hard to read.... when you lure me back. I remember when I used to actually look folks in the eye and maybe even talk and listen? Gee, it takes a lot to get there sometimes. You are so very NEEDY. Um, maybe you should get a hobby. Seems like it would be healthier if we struck some boundaries. I can have some hobbies and so can you! (make friends with AI, maybe?). It would be cool to finish up a sewing project, walk outside without panicking if you aren't in my pocket, normal things? Or, what used to be normal back in the day. Gosh. I didn't even notice how you snuck up on me demanding my time. It was truly stealthy. You should a spy or something (uh oh, are you?). Anyway, let's grow into a distant relative type relationship. You are there in case of an emergency. Maybe even to share some fun stories from the past or goings on of the weather... No politics or religion at the dinner table. If we hang out less, maybe we can enjoy each other more and have more things to talk about other than repost, repost, repost. I can share fun facts about the orange newt I saw in the woods or whatever. How does that sound? Good? Good!
You have been a great way for me to avoid what feels overwhelming and hard but unfortunately, the more I rely on you, the more that category grows. I am becoming inept, losing muscle tone and social skills in your thrall. It is time that we take a step back and remember who we are. I am a mammal who requires connection in real life, movement of my real body and a sense of mastery over hard things. You are a phone and require nothing. You have no needs because you are not a living thing. You are a tool. You do not need me and my "one precious life." You are now free to be more inert and I can be free to experience life fully and with less distraction. To learn where things are by going there and to really hear what the people who matter most are trying to communicate. I can go outside and feel the sun, wind and rain and stretch. So much possibility.
Dear Phone, I loved our time spent together discovering the joys of TikTok at the start of rolling Lockdowns, the fun communities you introduced me too and the information you shared with me that provided me with reassurance. And the games we played together, some of them quite tricky and rewarding to solve. You were also there with podcasts and music to make my chores more fun. However, I’ve started to realise how unbalanced our relationship is. I’ve tried to manage this by turning all of your notifications off and switching you to greyscake - I even bragged to friends that we had made adjustments that were working for us now - but no, there’s something very wrong with this relationship and we need to look more closely at how to resolve it. I don’t want to be playing games with you ALL the time and you trick me into ignoring the 15 min rule that I have. And the FB rabbit holes you take me down despite me deleting the app - stop sending me to Chrome. You don’t get it. I want to spend time exploring my creativity not just listening to or watching you pump out content you want me to like, follow, or comment on 😡 I hate having to constantly remind you of my desire to spend time doing other things that are more important to me. After we spend time together I often feel tired, too tired to switch into doing other things. I want a phone relationship where I can check in on things that matter to me and organise my day. After spending time with you I want to feel re-energised and ready to get started. I think it is best we spend less time together and when we are together we do something I am interested in, that I choose to do with you. You are manipulative! I want to feel more in empowered in this relationship.
Sometimes I wish we had never met. I do like a lot about you. You make it easy to contact people I’m with. I remember going to theme parks as a kid, and when our group got separated, meeting up again was all based on the luck of the draw. I can always see where my loved ones are using your help, and in many ways, you make the world safer for us. I don’t have to blindly answer phone calls, and if you are with me, I can capture so many memories.
Here’s the problem though: You are a constant distraction. You seem to want to pull me in every direction all of the time! You don’t just hang on my wall and perform one basic function like older phones did (aka your grandparents…), and I feel constantly monitored and watched by you and all of the apps. Sometimes it’s ok for me to go someplace without constantly needing you.
I can’t go to bed without knowing where you are. I can’t even fall asleep sometimes without your help. And let’s not even get started on all of the ways you keep me awake and contribute to my lack of sleep!
I find myself distracted and lost after having spent too much time with you. And that isn’t ok! You’re constantly begging me to look at you. If you were a person, you would have been ghosted for such creepy behavior a long time ago. And there are so many other more important and beautiful things for me to see.
It’s time for things to change between us. In the future, I see a healthier relationship where you are less like a needy weirdo and more of a useful tool. Stop sucking my life away and help me live it better.
I wish I knew how to quit you. You're intoxicating and I'm in awe of you and what you're capable of. You amaze me daily, and you captivate my attention like no-one else can. But that in itself has become toxic. It sounds brutal but it's true.
If I only pay attention to you, I lose sight of the other things that deserve my attention: my friends. Meeting new people. Reading books. Watching films. Films seem so long now. Even watching one thirty minute TV episode seems long without paying you the attention you constantly demand. You dominate and take priority over all these things. It's unhealthy.
I also know you're cheating on me, and I yet forgive it daily. I see you work your charms on others - you're the focus of every room. You gobble the oxygen. You make people lose all decorum and manners at the theatre or cinema. Over coffee catch ups, your demand for attention causes the rest of us to lose our trains of thought, or track of time. It's intoxicating. It's toxic.
I used to read whole chapters of books before I met you. Now I am boy, interrupted. And I don't want to be. Not any more.
Today I had a thought. Would my life be better with you, or completely without you? I honestly can't decide. But that uncertainty is why we need to break up. It causes unnecessary anxiety.
What I can say is, I don't regret meeting you. I'm genuinely happy you came into my life. You transformed it. But the transformation has gone too far and, somewhere in my addiction to your intoxicating, captivating charms, I lost sight of my own. I lost sight of myself. I feel the need to come back to myself has arrived. And it means consciously uncoupling from you.
I know I always want you in my life. Like all break ups, that'll, at first, be messy and unclear and at times not even seem workable. But my life now includes you. I just have to end this infatuation and intense intimate relationship to find my way back to who I am again.
You've been there are every crucial moment in my life. Now it's time to evolve our relationship to friends with benefits, rather than star crossed lovers.
Dear Cellphone, I love you but I want to change our relationship. Well, maybe like is better word. Since you are not a real person I am going to be blunt: you are really crowding me and I feel like you are very clingy. Or maybe it’s me that’s clinging to you. All I know is that any time I get the least bit agitated you are there in my hands.I feel like you are a big narcissist or maybe it’s me. Where do you end and I begin? Am I already a cyborg? There are a lot of things I would rather be touching than your silly keyboard: my granddaughter’s hand, my knitting, my recorder. So from now on we are going to lead mostly separate lives even though we live in the same house. You’ve been great about the photos and the podcasts btw. I appreciate you stepping in
** Note - trigger warning**
Dear Phone,
I know you need lots of attention and you need me to give it to you. But our story has evolved. We were best friends when I was pregnant and had a newborn during Covid lockdowns. You were a lifeline which offered connection to other Mums as their minds and bodies also healed in a strange, lonely, fearful world. We sat and watched white middle aged men on TV make decisions about our bodies and lives - I attended scans alone and wondered if my partner would make it to the birth. Deep breathes. We will make it through.
Messages in the silent darkness of the small hours "is anyone else out there, are you awake?" We shared poetry and music, tears and joy on Whatsapp. For some in my birth group, the connection you gave was simply not enough and they sadly decided this world was not for them when their baby was 12 weeks. We couldn't reach her. Their last messages still sit on my phone.
Connection and community are powerful and in the end, they're all that matters. I know this. But I see human connection fading in society. I was talking to my young daughter's about what makes a good friendship but they rarely see/ hear this as it is all on Whatsapp/ Signal with you.
So, Goodbye for now little phone. It's been fun and you have taught me a lot. But now I am focusing on a different kind of connection - just sitting and being with another human, silences, their tone of voice, body language, facial expressions, hugs and simply stroking my friend's hand when there are no words.
My young kids and I have made you a cosy little bed in a box with a lid which will be where you will stay from 7pm each night. When they are old enough, their phones will join you there too. You can no longer notify me, you are black and white and many of the old apps are now gone.
This may seem a radical step but it is true that generations after mine do not know a world without the world wide web and social media. I am the last generation before smart phones sapped copious amounts of time and energy. And fed young people toxic information before they had developed the tools to process it. And radical change is needed. Even if again, white, middle aged men at the top making decisions won't make these changes. I will for my children. I will show them a different way.
Dear Phone,
We have a love-hate relationship, haven't we? I mean, I depend on your GPS to take my places (I suck at remembering directions), I use Google Podcasts and Spotify to play my favorite episodes and songs, I write notes when I need to vent and don't have access to a pen and paper, I use Duolingo to learn Spanish, you give me access to the mighty world wide web when I want to find out just about anything, I use your camera to capture moments I never want to forget.
BUT. There are so many things I hate about you. I hate how tempting you are. How I sometimes aimlessly hold you when there's nothing really I want to do (even when I'm not using social media), I sometimes just read through my notes or see people's display pictures on WhatsApp (guilty). How Instagram sucks my time and attention like a vacuum. How I reach out to you when I'm bored, need entertainment or distraction.
You're indispensable. I'll give you that. But I'd love it if we have a healthier relationship. I'd like to reach out to you only when I need you. I'd like to be more present when I'm around people I love. I'd like to embrace boredom, waiting, or awkward situations without staring at your screen. I'd like to use you for way less hours a day. I want to have time and space to do other things I'm passionate about (especially with my already limited time and attention span as a first-time mom for a one-year old). I want to find gratification from things other than you.
Can we do that, please? Can we start having more boundaries?
Dear Phone,
I love how you keep me connected to those I love. WhatsApp keeps me connected to my family, Cathy, Michele, Lisa. Messenger keeps me connected to lots of others, and with most of our friends and contacts in Chiang Mai. Line is another one. It's nice to be able to send a quick email, especially to myself as a reminder. You tell me when the UV rays and PM2.5 are dangerous, when to expect my period. You're a calculator and a currency converter. I can ask you anything and I get a quick answer. I like that you keep a joint grocery list for hubs and me. I love that you hold all my photos, and now make it easier to search for them (thanks, AI). I pay for everything with you. I can listen to music, audiobooks and podcasts anywhere. You make it easy to quickly shop for things and order food.
I DON'T love how you suck my time. You draw me into social media and I lose hours a week scrolling through stuff that doesn't make me smarter, happier, or more connected like I'm hoping for. I don't love how you are an easy distraction and procrastination tool. You've made me think that numbing is a helpful tool or a treat after a tough time. I get SO PISSED when I've been given the gift of an hour to myself, my kindle is RIGHT NEXT TO ME, but you lure me in with your stupid social media algorithms and all of a sudden my hour is gone. You make me feel shame.
After one of these time sucking scrolls, I often think to myself "how would I rate that time I just spent? did it serve a purpose? am I glad I did it?" and the answers are always an ovewhelming "super low. not a good one. definitely not." I feel fooled and embarrassed, and frustrated that you overpowered my willpower once again.
Scrolling and checking email do not align with how I want to live my life. ESPECIALLY in this season, when I've been HANDED a bunch of extra time and a lot less responsibility at work, I surely don't want to be filling that golden void with your garbage, phone. I want to fill that time with reading, mindfulness, mobility training, stretching, messing around on the ukulele, working on my classes, and FRIGGIN SLEEPING. When the hell did I start giving you permission to steal an hour+ of my bedtime??
Here's waht I want our relationship to look like. I want you to be my bitch. You do what I say. I want you to add groceries to the list? Do it. I want to intentionally send an email or reminder to myself? Don't distract me with other shit. I need to get somewhere? Map it and shut up. I want to listen to a podcast/music/audiobook, pay for something, take a photo, set a timer, track my period, add some numbers... basically use you as a tool?... JUST DO THAT. Don't entice me with facebook and insta. I don't want to carry you around, ask my kids where you are, or have you within arms' reach all the time. I don't want to be looking at you while i'm in bed or falling asleep with you in my hand. I don't want the first thing I do when I wake up in the morning be to check email or facebook. I don't need you next to me at work or with me at lunch. So where DO I want you? It's honestly hard to envision you completely outside my bedroom, but out of reach would be ideal. Think about how much more reading I would be able to do! Or maybe even a morning stretch? Evening journal? So many possibilities.
On equal par with me wanting to take my time back, is my desire to model a healthy phone relationship with my kids. I am NOT practicing what I preach right now, and they are at such a formative age. You compete with them for my attention and oftentimes win. It sucks! They deserve better, and I want to be a model of good screen balance for them.
So, this is me breaking up with you. I am addicted to you, and I will probably need help sustaining this. But it's necessary and I want it. Bye.
This just made me laugh out loud. And also: yes, ukelele!
Dear Phone,
I was absolutely thrilled the first time we met! It was great knowing I could access the internet when I wanted and take pictures. First, I was reluctant to bring you places because, you were well expensive. However, I bring you everywhere now and you always are in my pocket or close at hand.
I feel like we have a good relationship during the workday because you are rarely out (except at lunch when we spend time together instead of socializing with my colleagues). After work and on the weekends , we are spending too much time together that I’m starting to lose interest in other hobbies…
I love that I can use you to look up information and be just a phone call for family emergencies. But all the time I spend scrolling is making me tired and grumpy. Something has to change phone so I’m taking a break to reset our relationship. I need more balance in my life. We need to stop seeing each other so much while I figure out what works best in my life.
Dear Phone,
When you first appeared, I was so happy. I always wanted the internet close at hand, and you made that wish possible. You came to validate everything I thought about its power. The internet makes us smarter, faster, more connected with the world.
With you, I could become a nerd on any subject that came up because you opened a window to the world. I could win any argument at the bar involving data or historical facts. Your presence was also very comforting in doctor's waiting rooms, in lines, on Sunday nights.
With my phone in hand, I was invincible, and you always stayed close to me. You lent me an air of being famous or a powerful professional woman. Looking at you, I felt important, sought after.
And over time, more and more people started to look like me, walking around with their phones, which only confirmed that you were that kind of love that changes a person's life. You gained more and more possibilities and took over me and society.
Through you, I find out everything that's happening in the world. Inside you, I put my whole job, and it's thanks to you that I have an afternoon outdoors now and then. Any problem, you notify me with sounds and vibrations.
Through you, I watch the videos everyone is talking about, the laws that have been passed and we must fight against, and also everyone's latest vacations. You bring me comfort because I know you're always there, ready to bring me endless content. I can indulge in your bytes without ever finding the bottom of the bowl.
But our relationship started to change and became abusive. Like a jealous man, you began to listen to my private conversations even when I was away from you. And you still offered me products that fit into the conversation!
I began to neglect those around me because you demanded my presence. Your charms were aphrodisiacs, bringing me back whenever I strayed a bit from you.
You mediated my relationships with my friends and replaced my physical presence for my friendships, my family, and even my work. My relationships became likes, comments, DMs, and no longer lunches, phone conversations... You even spared me from birthday parties by offering the possibility of sending a message and just getting it over with.
You gave me a cocoon to close myself off in, and I ended up ignoring the world around me. Everyone around me started to ignore me too. While dining with work colleagues, between ordering food and waiting for it to arrive, each retreated into their cocoon, unable to talk about anything trivial.
You assured me you had everything I needed but fed me with low-nutritional-value foods. You chose what I should see and generated successive, conflicting emotions at all times: shock, anger, anxiety, envy, affection. I had to be with you every moment I was awake. I go to bed, and you call me for a little while longer. I started to carry you in a pouch on my body because I know I can't live without you nearby.
The times I tried to stay away from you for more than a day, I felt neuronal torture, as if my brain was screaming because it was no longer being nourished with your stimuli. A constant anxiety reminded me that the world was happening on the Internet, and I was missing out.
You changed the culture by becoming the culture itself. I don't know why they call you virtual when everything that goes through you is so real. Bank accounts, contracts by email, long-distance affection.
You make it seem that if I break up with you, I will be the one to suffer. Badly. In life, in the world. I will be left out, obsolete, forgotten. You convinced me that I need you.
But then I remember that I have life. This spark of light that makes a body made of flesh, membranes, and bones, walk, eat, talk, feel. I am not an inanimate object. I am not a robot. I have a physical body that is so wonderful it is capable of healing the diseases I catch. I am in communion with nature, which pushes me to keep living, fighting for survival.
You are not natural. You are an invention designed to keep me addicted to your stimuli, a machine made of lithium and heavy metals, with a great data processing power that we ourselves provide you. Deceived by our narcissism, we gave you everything, trusting you would take care of us, be a tool to help us escape the boring things, be more productive, use our time better. But you stole our time, and now we are slaves to your processes, your demands to keep us alive and operational in the world.
You manipulate us into staying angry because it engages more. You play with our feelings by offering products that supposedly are exactly what I need. But I don't need things; I need to live without you. Your online shopping leaves me in a calm state, wanting to be alone with you, instead of exposing myself to the harshness of human relationships, to the rawness of life.
You emulate reality and turn me into a zombie, looking with a lost gaze at your screen as I scroll down the feed a bit more in search of another sip of dopamine juice. When I realize it, I discover that I unlock your screen at least once every ten minutes during the day. No animal does anything in such quantity. Maybe breathing, swallowing. But checking my phone should never have taken up so much of my time; it's unnatural, inhuman.
You transformed all my language, my brain, my thoughts, my emotions. You entered and took over everything.
But you don't have cells; you don't have the breath of life. You shouldn't have so much power over me. You will not dominate my mind. I will resist. I can live without you. I know I can. All that's left is to find out how.
Dearest Phone -- after I retired in 2017 and moved away from my place i had lived for over 40 years, you were my way to stay connected, read the hometown newspaper and visit with friends -- texting like I was just a walk away instead of 700 miles. And retirement brings lots of free time. Bad. And the political climate brings lots of things to track and pretend that my attention could change the course of events. Wrong. So lots of my free time went to you instead of the glorious joys of retirement. Now, instead of getting out of bed for the shower and work, I reach for you and do Wordle. At night, before bed, sometimes I stay up to 12:01 AM to do the next day's Wordle. Sad. All the imagined glories of being unscheduled with time have been consumed my you. I don't mean to make you feel bad. And I really hate conflict (Enneagram 9.) What Enneagram sign are you? No matter, we really don't belong in an intimate relationship. I want to turn my image of you into a Cuisinart or InstantPot -- doing something useful on demand, but never coming with me to the bathroom, the bedroom, church. In learning to set boundaries, I need to take back my time and space. So please accept my invitation to join the ranks of the kitchen appliances -- the smartest toaster in the world.
This is it, iLady. This mad all-consuming, can't live without you passion. It has to stop.
It's not you, it's me. Well actually it IS you and sorta me. Oh you were born and bred to seduce and so you have.
Oh I can hear you crooning along with Mick, "you'll come runnin' back, you'll come runnin' back..." and I suppose time may well be on your side in the long run.
But now, right now, I want my time back. Time for sitting and staring at the sunset uninterrupted, undisturbed. Time to walk the dog and pay attention to the dog. Read a book.
There was a time when I swore I would never have a phone and then, you crept into my life and showed me how easy it was to find a friend in a crowd, navigate a city I'd never been too, read my email on the bus. It was fun, I felt part of the in-crowd. It was great.
I'm not saying we won't see each other anymore. But let's keep it light. A text from my grandson now and then. A message from the gang in Australia. But no more scrolling instagram. No matter how funny or cute or apparently informative. That wild revolving world, disappearing even as it arrives. No... my time is worth more, I'm worth more.
Don't lose heart. I'll still call Nelson and that should give you a little purpose.
Goodbye. We had a good run. You've seen a lot. But now it's time for me to do this myself. When you're near me, I feel it. When you're away, I feel it. I need that space back. I need the space between us to grow and quiet. E is here now, watching, waiting to be held and loved in every moment. I can't look at you instead of her. You aren't as beautiful, silly, and you don't fill my cup the way she does. You are a distraction. I remember being a teenager and having a flip phone for when I went out to a sports game to call my mom to pick me up when the game was over. I happily handed her phone back to her when she picked me up. No one texted, no one cared about the internet and facebook was just coming around-- Everyone was present, having fun, being together. I want to get back there. I am going to leave you behind. You'll be fine, I know it.
Dear Phone,
When we first met I thought you were so cool. You promised to make my life easier and better in every way. You are powerful and can do an endless amount of things. I used to love how you were always there for me and you knew what I need before I knew myself. But I feel myself clinging to you and becoming dependent on your strengths. I don't like the way it feels when I become lost in your orbit, or when I reach for you whenever I have feelings. I want to choose what I want for my future, not have you leading my down the path you think is right. And in the end it may have all been a ruse from the beginning! You don't really like me, you pretend to like me so your crowd can make money off my time and energy and good intentions. I don't want to spend months of my life in your virtual world, chasing inbox zero or scrolling mindlessly, I want the REAL WORLD with real sights and real sounds and real smells and real warmth. You act like you know me but you don't. Our relationship is over. You are just a tool.
To my phone, there is so much I love about you. Being able to stalk my kids, I mean, being able to know where my kids are at all times, staying connected with out of state family, sharing funny memes, and photos, documenting important milestones in my life, and making memories I can look back on. I love being able to listen to whatever music I want when I want, along with whatever show or movie I would like to watch. Every morning , I want to play the Wordle, Spelling Bee, Connections and the crossword with you. You have opened my world to on-line chess. You make it so that I can stay connected with my professional life without being in the office. There is so much to love. However, you have a dark side. My mindless scrolling of instagram, FB and X, and news stories leads to so much anger and anxiety. I live with existential dread every day, and the world feels so overwhelming. It never ends. The feed just keeps on rolling and rolling and rolling, and I could spend the rest of my life glued to your glowing screen. I look up sometimes, and everyone is on their phone, like Wall-E come to life. I fondly remember what it was like to grow up without the internet and you, phone. It was wonderful, and I had no idea. I naively gave you to my children as well, and I have seen what you have done to them. The eating disorders, depression, self harm, anxiety..... also the lack of focus. We all live like we have ADHD now. And in my mind, I keep screaming that I need to put you down, but I always pick you back up. I need some distance from you.
Dear Phone,
We’ve been together in one form or another since 2007. And I love all the things you let me do from learning about anything I could want to learn about, to keeping in touch with friends, to finding great places to eat.
But in the more recent years, you’ve become demanding and controlling. You want subscriptions for EVERYTHING! You pop up and demand my attention all the time. But more importantly, you enable my worst tendencies. You make it easy for me to get lost for hours on things that don’t really matter. I know you’re just trying to make me happy. But it’s not healthy. It’s like I was a smoker who wanted to quit and you kept bringing me cigarettes.
I need some space. I need you to back off a little. I need time and room to establish some boundaries, so I don’t get all-consumed in you. I need to change. You’ll need to change some things too, but I’ll help. I need boundaries that mean if I check and reply to a message from a friend, I don’t end up sucked into hours of meaningless scrolling.
I’m not going anywhere. I couldn’t live in modern society without you. But I need a relationship that’s less all-consuming.
Bob
Dear Phone
I love the things you can do for me like using the camera and the gallery. I love listening to books on my free library app and podcasts. I love searching for stuff I don't know anything about. I kicked social media about 3 years ago so breaking up with you is going to be harder. I hate how I felt I had to take you to bed with me "just in case" - I've kicked that but it was hard and you still psychically whisper that you should be there with me. The next step is to stop looking for houses for sale by the sea and puppies when my partner's watching football, football and yet more football. Or Bargain Hunt. Or The Repair Shop or scrolling on his phone. . .about football
Ha -- maybe we can do a future challenge called, "How to Break Up With Football." (Also, fantasy real estate searches are one of my weaknesses as well. Did you ever see the parody SNL skit about this? It's NSFW, as indicated by this URL -- but I found it hilarious: https://mashable.com/video/snl-zillow-ad-real-estate-porn )
Dear phone, it's about us. You alone are not responsible, and it's not just me. It's the combination. When we spend a lot of time together, I get sucked in. Hours pass, my curious mind is tricked into going down meaningless rabbit holes, and my attention is taken away from the real things in my life and handed over to the chimeras, fabrications and emotional manipulations inside that tiny screen. When I snap out of it, I feel tense and tired and not my happy self. I feel like a shadow self. Kind of Golum-y: anxious, acquisitive, afraid, ungenerous, suspicious, tense. Which is not to say there haven't been good times. Within this handset I have stored many memories: photographs, voice memos that I love to return to and am so glad I saved. And sometimes when I'm texting or talking with friends and family, I cackle. FaceTime lets me see my nephews growing, and connects me to friends far away. I wish we would do more of that and less of the neck-cranking, involuntary thumb and finger pinching poking stroking scrolling of the all too many lost hours. So I think we need to spend some time apart so I can focus on myself and what brings me joy. Perhaps there's a path to a healthier version of us. I know when I've tried to give you up in the past, the sky has been bluer, my children's laughter more delightful, my body calmer, my eyes and ears... all my senses more alive to the world and its wonders. But I have to be honest this time. I don't have nay more of the apps, but I have the social media passwords saved to safari. So I'm still lurking for hours and hours on Instagram and Facebook and ugh the cesspool of X twitter. Time to cut the chord and delete the passwords. I wish you well. But I need to do this for myself.
Dear phone,
I love you, but you’re bringing me down. Last year, when I decided I wasn’t going to check Facebook on you anymore? That helped our relationship, but it wasn’t enough. Every time I pick you up while I’m spending time with my kids, I feel incredibly guilty, both for not being present with them, and for setting a terrible example. It’s time for me to move on so I can be fully part of my own life, and not just an accessory to yours. I guess I’ll see you around.
Love, me
Dear phone, I love most how you’re a part of my social circle. You help me stay connected to my friends and family. Especially now one of them is ill. I value this connection so much. And you give me access to great things, like new recipes, things to do. I love to listen to books and podcasts. But our relationship has just got out of control. You’ve trained my body to reach for you too often. A reflex. I particularly dislike you in the mornings. I want to get up. Do yoga. Potter about. Maybe sit outside with a cup of tea. Instead I’m in bed reading the news or doing this letter! You slow me down. Pull me in. I’ve recently stopped Facebook on the phone all together. It wasn’t even hard. So I know I can conquer you for good!
Dear phone,
It’s funny to think that I hesitated to get “involved” with you in the fall of 2000 because I thought cell phones might not be here to stay. I remember you charged me for minutes and for every text message I sent. I felt pressure to get unlimited texting but I could not imagine texting that much. Years later I would move into the realm of unlimited data - which I swore I was never need or do. The more I connected through you, the less I connected without you. You gave me instant gratification in many different ways, but never any lasting gratification. And while you will never not be in my life, you will no longer be first in my life.
- Michelle
Dear Phone,
When we first started spending time together it was really fun and exciting. But it’s different now. We spend hours together and it’s just kind of boring and sad.
I’m so attached to you, though, I don’t know how to be a part from you. The thought of living without you is terrifying to me.
But I think that’s exactly what I need to try to do. I think I need to explore what my life would be like without you. I need to find out what it’s like to not wake up next you. I need to find out what it’s like to drive somewhere and not have you in the car with me. I need to eat a meal without looking at you. I need to go to the bathroom without you.
I know you don’t understand but that’s because you never understand.
Laura
Dear mobile phone. I love you so much. I love the feel of you in my hand, my wide grasp hugging your sides. I love that I can check you – that there might be something important to engage me distract me from the boring weight of every day life, but I think it’s important that we don’t spend every waking minute second, hour together. The magical mystical angels of love, and creativity can come to dance and sing in those times that we’re not together. Just then you pull me back in - it’s downright seduction and it needs to stop the silence. I’m so scared of is actually a friend, quite more thoughtful lover who’s embrace I need to nurture and care for, so dear mobile phone we will spend time together but it won’t be so frequent and the need less Desperate.
Dear phone,
Oh, what a wild ride it has been together. Our relationship started out fun, I got to text my friends, post on Facebook as another way to connect with friends, play 3000 levels of candy crush when I got bored.
You also helped me immensely get through the hardest mental health struggles of my life. 3 years of my life I was able to post on Snapchat about my struggles, join groups on Facebook to feel connected to others. Heck, you even made it possible for me to meet one of my best friends through a Facebook group for The Office fans!! You made me feel not as alone during a time I felt the most lonely and worthless I've ever felt.
I'm doing so much better now, mentally. I think I'm so used to using you because for my depression years, you were the only thing that got me through each day. I have this habit engrained in me now that you are my lifeline, but I need to realize that our relationship has become toxic, and I no longer need you. I'm not lonely anymore. I'm waiting to flourish but I feel like something is holding me back. And I realize now that it's you. You did SO much for me, and I feel so scared to let you go. You're my comfort zone, and I'm scared to be uncomfortable for a while without you. But I know that I need to change our relationship in order for me to reach my full potential.
Thank you for everything. I'm so grateful for your help getting through the hardest time in my life. And I'm so ready to blossom and become who I've always known I can be.
Dear Phone,
You are not the first substance I have picked up for "fun" but ends up making me feel tired and sad. I always think some exterior thing is going to give me more energy or make me feel less bored or get me out of my own life for just a little bit but it actually ends up doing exactly none of those things. You are just the newest version of this vicious circle. You are too easy to abuse and I have to stop. Also I really need to set a good example for CKG. Watching her pretend to scroll is just heartbreaking. I need her to learn how to be a person before she just watches other people pretend to be people. I'm not saying I'm not going to stop by for the occasional nail art tutorial or recipe, and of course I'll see you at bedtime for audiobooks! We will always read with our ears!! I want to try some things on my own for a little while. I've got to get back in touch with what I like and think and watch and listen to and do, not just what all the people inside you do.
I'll see you around.
C
dear phone,
nothing, no-one, makes me feel as insecure as you do. no single thing. not even the people in my life who have *actively tried* to make me feel insecure. i hate that. i can't tolerate that. where is my self-respect? why is it ok for a machine to rob me of this, but not a human? i would not maintain any other relationship of this kind. i get it now. we need to break up.
you are the master of doubt and discomfort.
i have started to see you, sat across the room, quietly tempting, as a source of evil. how i felt about alcohol, how i feel about alcohol; perched in people's hands, an accessory, a distraction, an evil. they are one in the same, but it's easier to pretend they're not because everyone else is doing it.
how do you fit in at the dinner table with neither a drink NOR a phone in hand?
steph
Dear Phone,
We've had some times, haven't we? You took me on amazing journeys and helped me discover real life places and things to do. You keep me entertained and connected with people I've moved far away from. You inspire me with fun colorful imagery, engaging thoughtful articles and I can see the possibilities of great things to do! You keep me in touch and on top of all the work/freelance things. HOWEVER, all the whirlwind of activity has made my ADHD brain even less focused. I find it hard to do anything for more than a few minutes. I had to retrain myself on how to read a book (something I used to be good at). And, it is still hard to read.... when you lure me back. I remember when I used to actually look folks in the eye and maybe even talk and listen? Gee, it takes a lot to get there sometimes. You are so very NEEDY. Um, maybe you should get a hobby. Seems like it would be healthier if we struck some boundaries. I can have some hobbies and so can you! (make friends with AI, maybe?). It would be cool to finish up a sewing project, walk outside without panicking if you aren't in my pocket, normal things? Or, what used to be normal back in the day. Gosh. I didn't even notice how you snuck up on me demanding my time. It was truly stealthy. You should a spy or something (uh oh, are you?). Anyway, let's grow into a distant relative type relationship. You are there in case of an emergency. Maybe even to share some fun stories from the past or goings on of the weather... No politics or religion at the dinner table. If we hang out less, maybe we can enjoy each other more and have more things to talk about other than repost, repost, repost. I can share fun facts about the orange newt I saw in the woods or whatever. How does that sound? Good? Good!
Dear phone,
You have been a great way for me to avoid what feels overwhelming and hard but unfortunately, the more I rely on you, the more that category grows. I am becoming inept, losing muscle tone and social skills in your thrall. It is time that we take a step back and remember who we are. I am a mammal who requires connection in real life, movement of my real body and a sense of mastery over hard things. You are a phone and require nothing. You have no needs because you are not a living thing. You are a tool. You do not need me and my "one precious life." You are now free to be more inert and I can be free to experience life fully and with less distraction. To learn where things are by going there and to really hear what the people who matter most are trying to communicate. I can go outside and feel the sun, wind and rain and stretch. So much possibility.
Dear Phone, I loved our time spent together discovering the joys of TikTok at the start of rolling Lockdowns, the fun communities you introduced me too and the information you shared with me that provided me with reassurance. And the games we played together, some of them quite tricky and rewarding to solve. You were also there with podcasts and music to make my chores more fun. However, I’ve started to realise how unbalanced our relationship is. I’ve tried to manage this by turning all of your notifications off and switching you to greyscake - I even bragged to friends that we had made adjustments that were working for us now - but no, there’s something very wrong with this relationship and we need to look more closely at how to resolve it. I don’t want to be playing games with you ALL the time and you trick me into ignoring the 15 min rule that I have. And the FB rabbit holes you take me down despite me deleting the app - stop sending me to Chrome. You don’t get it. I want to spend time exploring my creativity not just listening to or watching you pump out content you want me to like, follow, or comment on 😡 I hate having to constantly remind you of my desire to spend time doing other things that are more important to me. After we spend time together I often feel tired, too tired to switch into doing other things. I want a phone relationship where I can check in on things that matter to me and organise my day. After spending time with you I want to feel re-energised and ready to get started. I think it is best we spend less time together and when we are together we do something I am interested in, that I choose to do with you. You are manipulative! I want to feel more in empowered in this relationship.
Dear phone,
Sometimes I wish we had never met. I do like a lot about you. You make it easy to contact people I’m with. I remember going to theme parks as a kid, and when our group got separated, meeting up again was all based on the luck of the draw. I can always see where my loved ones are using your help, and in many ways, you make the world safer for us. I don’t have to blindly answer phone calls, and if you are with me, I can capture so many memories.
Here’s the problem though: You are a constant distraction. You seem to want to pull me in every direction all of the time! You don’t just hang on my wall and perform one basic function like older phones did (aka your grandparents…), and I feel constantly monitored and watched by you and all of the apps. Sometimes it’s ok for me to go someplace without constantly needing you.
I can’t go to bed without knowing where you are. I can’t even fall asleep sometimes without your help. And let’s not even get started on all of the ways you keep me awake and contribute to my lack of sleep!
I find myself distracted and lost after having spent too much time with you. And that isn’t ok! You’re constantly begging me to look at you. If you were a person, you would have been ghosted for such creepy behavior a long time ago. And there are so many other more important and beautiful things for me to see.
It’s time for things to change between us. In the future, I see a healthier relationship where you are less like a needy weirdo and more of a useful tool. Stop sucking my life away and help me live it better.
Dear phone,
I wish I knew how to quit you. You're intoxicating and I'm in awe of you and what you're capable of. You amaze me daily, and you captivate my attention like no-one else can. But that in itself has become toxic. It sounds brutal but it's true.
If I only pay attention to you, I lose sight of the other things that deserve my attention: my friends. Meeting new people. Reading books. Watching films. Films seem so long now. Even watching one thirty minute TV episode seems long without paying you the attention you constantly demand. You dominate and take priority over all these things. It's unhealthy.
I also know you're cheating on me, and I yet forgive it daily. I see you work your charms on others - you're the focus of every room. You gobble the oxygen. You make people lose all decorum and manners at the theatre or cinema. Over coffee catch ups, your demand for attention causes the rest of us to lose our trains of thought, or track of time. It's intoxicating. It's toxic.
I used to read whole chapters of books before I met you. Now I am boy, interrupted. And I don't want to be. Not any more.
Today I had a thought. Would my life be better with you, or completely without you? I honestly can't decide. But that uncertainty is why we need to break up. It causes unnecessary anxiety.
What I can say is, I don't regret meeting you. I'm genuinely happy you came into my life. You transformed it. But the transformation has gone too far and, somewhere in my addiction to your intoxicating, captivating charms, I lost sight of my own. I lost sight of myself. I feel the need to come back to myself has arrived. And it means consciously uncoupling from you.
I know I always want you in my life. Like all break ups, that'll, at first, be messy and unclear and at times not even seem workable. But my life now includes you. I just have to end this infatuation and intense intimate relationship to find my way back to who I am again.
You've been there are every crucial moment in my life. Now it's time to evolve our relationship to friends with benefits, rather than star crossed lovers.
Yours,
Gary
Dear Cellphone, I love you but I want to change our relationship. Well, maybe like is better word. Since you are not a real person I am going to be blunt: you are really crowding me and I feel like you are very clingy. Or maybe it’s me that’s clinging to you. All I know is that any time I get the least bit agitated you are there in my hands.I feel like you are a big narcissist or maybe it’s me. Where do you end and I begin? Am I already a cyborg? There are a lot of things I would rather be touching than your silly keyboard: my granddaughter’s hand, my knitting, my recorder. So from now on we are going to lead mostly separate lives even though we live in the same house. You’ve been great about the photos and the podcasts btw. I appreciate you stepping in
Ran out of time - this is mostly what I have to say!
I don’t see where we are supposed to write and post our letter.
Right here! In the comments to this thread. (Thanks for pointing out that it wasn't clear -- I'll clarify it above.)