I love this - I'm in the same boat, with lots of good friends...who are scattered around the country. I'm also a single parent to a 5 yr old. So to your question, What can we do about it? I need childcare (preferably free or low-cost!). I can't do anything w/o my son, so my adult communication is limited to school playground chit chat. If I could actually make plans to go to a coffee shop where my child was supervised w/others in another room, for instance, that would be amazing! With minimum wage at $14/hr, my rare nights out with my sister and her buds are $$, but maybe places could even explicitly offer adult meet-and-hangs, where you just chill out and they watch your kids play?
As an Experience Designer, my head goes to that process to solve this problem. The issue is likely environment, proximity, and culture - not a lack of desire. So I would research, understand what's in the way for people and all the limiting factors, design a solution that fits the modern environment, test, refine, write a book to help people implement, make a Netflix doc, and market the hell out of it all :D. Loneliness is or is becoming the top threat to our health/survival (per the U.S. Surgeon General (?). This could be a really impactful pursuit.
Nov 3, 2023·edited Nov 3, 2023Liked by Catherine Price
I've been toying with this idea, actually, of "friend" business cards, but I don't know if it would really work/make sense! Sometimes on the playground, for example, I'll meet someone but I don't want to pressure them to share their info w/me or committing to being buds now. I also don't need to give them a business card. But maybe you just hand them your Friend Card, and it has whatever mode of communication on it that you want to share -- maybe just your social media handles, idk -- and if the person wants to reach out, it tells them it's cool to do so. I don't know... but something better than Facebook is needed to get us together IRL.
Very thought-provoking article. Thanks for writing.
I have been retired for 2 1/2 years. I am living in a new state with my eldest daughter and her husband. There are two ways I can think of that I get the best pajama friend type experience.
1. I have a wonderful episcopal church in St. Louis. It is very small congregation, but at 9:30 every Sunday we have what we call adult formation Dash Sunday school. The group of friends in this space are amazing. Our pastor is amazing and brings thought-provoking and well planned lessons. We all check in with how our week was or what we felt about one of her questions. It is a safe space and very confirming and thought-provoking.
2. I volunteer for four hours every Wednesday afternoon for a nonprofit thrift shop. The three or four ladies that I work with every Wednesday afternoon have become somewhat pajama friends. It is rewarding to have people that you can share your photos with and what’s going on in your life while working and hanging up clothes and pricing items.
3. I am blessed to be a part of my daughter and son-in-law‘s lives. They are very busy professionals, and I hold down the home fort and feed their horses and take care of their dogs and do the dishes and I am part of a family.I know this situation wouldn’t work out with a lot of people but it’s been really sweet for me for the last 2 1/2 years.
Yes! Same, same! I feel I don't have friendships that are "just show up at the door" friends. Well, I think I have one friend who'd actually be fine with it, and in fact I am the issue because I wouldn't feel I could do that, and also much as I love my husband and son, they would be weirded out by someone just showing up and hanging out. But it feels too easy to blame it just on them. I don't like it, but don't know how to change it.
Nov 7, 2023·edited Nov 7, 2023Liked by Catherine Price
I lead a community and our shorthand for when we agree is the 🧠 emoji. I love everything you write and could add about 3 of those brain emojis to this post. I discovered your book The Power of Fun, ironically when I was quarantined with Covid having zero fun! Your words, books, and posts have such an important place in our culture today, and I'm so glad you're writing and sharing. I just shared your research and work in my own substack article. https://laurazug.substack.com/p/a-desire-for-digital-well-being-will?utm_source=substack&utm_content=feed%3Arecommended%3Acopy_link
For now, I think only my PJ friends are reading said substack, btw! 🤣
Wow. Loved this. It reminded me of my college days when I was at the college hostel. My 'pajama friends' surrounded me. We were stuck up in each other's rooms snacking, watching a scary movie, partying, playing board games and video games. Then life happened. We're all still in touch but scattered across the globe.
This is such a great reflection and thank you for introducing the idea of pajama friends. I’m with my little nuclear family on a weekend getaway so I have to make this comment short (and make dinner already!) but this one haunts me as being so true:
“… you already know everything that’s going on with each other. This, in turn, frees you to exist and interact in the present, instead of telling each other about the past.”
This is so missing in most adult relationships. I can relate.
Last question. Which character would you have most closely resembled?
For better or worse I would have been Ross. Not that I’ve ever found myself in a friends-style living arrangement! I was holed up and working my butt off in med school and residency through the bulk of my 20’s, so I kind of resented this show even though I watched many episodes!!
My friends used to host a New Year’s Day party and we’d watch a movie and eat fondue and maybe there’s be a puzzle in progress but, yes, you would come on your pajamas and it was great. I always like that part of a trip (or camping!) when you sit around in your warm comfy clothes and sip coffee and figure out what to do that day. I don’t know exactly how to get more of that in my everyday life but it is a great common desire to explore.
Hi C- I enjoyed your Pajama Friends post to the point of finally ante-ing up my paid subscription! In the way of suggestions, I would commend you to Katie Couric’s delightful podcast convo with David Brooks and Kelly Corrigan on Brook’s most recent work,”How To Know A Person”. I found it full of wisdom and think it pairs well with your search on the topic. On a parallel track, I’m starting to dig for ideas and guests for my little KWMR program to explore the lonliness epidemic in the US and what we can do about it.
Very insightful article. I think that the system in general needs to change and be repurposed such that it stops prioritizing the rat race and wealth.
Instead, the system needs to allow society to not have to work long hours and have so much workload, so that people can have more free time to spend with their family and friends. This would definitely provide opportunities to sustain and rekindle relationships among old friends, especially those who're living further apart from each other compared to when they were younger.
Ultimately, society needs to have a healthy, proper work-life balance, so that people can have these important social interactions and relationships with each other.
Oh my goodness, this substack really hit for me. I feel like you put into words everything I’ve been feeling lately around adult loneliness but hadn’t articulated. And I love the whole concept of “pyjama friends” (as we’d spell it in the UK). I also suspect that Covid and a year and a half of socialising on screens has not helped. Also, how fascinating that Gen Z is watching Friends for the appeal of a time before social media. I had never thought of that before but my goodness, now it feels so obvious. Thank you for such a brilliant newsletter
A great example I’ve seen is written in “The Turquoise Table” - a nonfiction book about a woman who puts a picnic table in her front yard, paints it blue and just sits out there with her coffee or her laptop and offers it as a hangout spot for the neighborhood. People stop and ask her what it’s all about and it actually builds community. I’ve also seen a piece about “crappy dinner parties” where people have a standing date where people can come over - to a house that has not been tidied - and eat a very unfancy supper In community. We definitely need more of these opportunities right now.
I love these ideas. We used to (pre-Covid) host a Thanksgiving leftovers party the Saturday after Thanksgiving, even though we ourselves usually didn't have any left-overs. It reminded me of the children's story, "Stone Soup," where the main character pretends to be making a "delicious" soup out of water and a stone, and asks friends to each contribute one additional ingredient -- by the end of the story, they end up with a soup that is *actually* delicious. Thank you for sharing!
Your newsletter touched me so deeply. I’ve been binge watching friends too and reflecting on how that show influenced my life. The thing is, I am 47 years old and while I still have my long distance, childhood pajama friends, I also have pajama friends in every place I’ve ever lived (which is a lot of places). I’ve now been in Edmonton Alberta for 7 years and am reflecting on the fact that my 12 year old son has a group of school pals who I would consider to be pajama friends. I dream of helping others do this, and I don't think it has to take a long time.
What has worked for me time and time again, is:
1) prioritizing making connections and talking to people
2) Taking advantage of opportunities for fun in the context of my stage of life.
3) Using the resources that are right in front of me. For example, we moved the UK when my son was two. We joined every toddler class we could find, we went to the same park all the time and soon met people in the same stage of life.
3) Get comfortable asking people to make plans and follow up, this might mean being uncomfortable and doing it anyway for a little while but the rewards are well worth it. I think in the UK, within six months I had a circle of pajama friends. This was in 2014 and I still keep in touch with these ladies.
I have a couple of thoughts on this. I have two groups of pajama friends and I think there are some key things about them:
1. You can't fast forward pajama friends. I tried once (after a move where I felt desperate for friends) and I ended up finding some red flags too late because I dove in head first to this friendship. I had to try to distance myself as graciously as possible and that is not easy. In my experience only long periods of time* spent together can make a pajama friend. *Possibly with the exception of going through a traumatic experience together...that does seem to intensify a friendship quicker than normal.
2. You have to make people a priority sometimes -even when it feels inconvenient- if you're going to have pajama friends. It seems that many people prioritize comfort (physical, social, etc.) over friendships. The more often you prioritize time with a friend, the faster they will (potentially) become a pajama friend.
3. This one is not going to apply to everyone. If you have someone in your life who can help you prioritize your friendships sometimes without feeling resentful, that is huge. For example, a spouse being willing to watch the kids while you go for a girl's night out or a weekend away with friends (without holding it against you!!!). My husband is wonderful about this and I happily do the same for him. We don't do these things super often but having the freedom to prioritize friendships over family every once in a while has been amazing for my friendships...and good for my marriage too.
4. You have to force yourself to be vulnerable at some point. Deep friendships happen when you share your crap. When you are totally honest with someone, they realize your full trust and will often reciprocate. I had one friend in a "pajama group" who did not share her stuff openly with us. She is the only one out of my PJ friends that I did not feel completely comfortable sharing my hardest things with or going to bawling my eyes out when something hard hit because I didn't have that complete confidence in her that she would fully understand. She didn't really reciprocate so it made me uncomfortable to share my worst. Vulnerability builds trust. Wear your pajamas first, like Rachel did and maybe your friends will go change into theirs. 🤷🏼♀️😉
5. I know many might disagree but personally, out of my entire lifetime of pajama friends, almost all of them are people I met through church. Having that connection of a deep faith in the Lord has been a strong foundation to build on. Obviously people who don't attend church still have close friendships but my faith has been a key factor in my closest relationships.
I'm sure there are plenty more but those are some of the main components of pajama friends that come to mind first. Side note: one of my pajama groups is a literal pajama group. When we do girls nights together every few months, the majority are nights in, in our PJs with takeout (possibly trying to play a game through all our taking) while someone's husband is upstairs with the kids. I just got home from our annual weekend away together where we spent at least half our time at the house together in our PJs. Long live pajama friends! 🥂😉
I love this - I'm in the same boat, with lots of good friends...who are scattered around the country. I'm also a single parent to a 5 yr old. So to your question, What can we do about it? I need childcare (preferably free or low-cost!). I can't do anything w/o my son, so my adult communication is limited to school playground chit chat. If I could actually make plans to go to a coffee shop where my child was supervised w/others in another room, for instance, that would be amazing! With minimum wage at $14/hr, my rare nights out with my sister and her buds are $$, but maybe places could even explicitly offer adult meet-and-hangs, where you just chill out and they watch your kids play?
As an Experience Designer, my head goes to that process to solve this problem. The issue is likely environment, proximity, and culture - not a lack of desire. So I would research, understand what's in the way for people and all the limiting factors, design a solution that fits the modern environment, test, refine, write a book to help people implement, make a Netflix doc, and market the hell out of it all :D. Loneliness is or is becoming the top threat to our health/survival (per the U.S. Surgeon General (?). This could be a really impactful pursuit.
I've been toying with this idea, actually, of "friend" business cards, but I don't know if it would really work/make sense! Sometimes on the playground, for example, I'll meet someone but I don't want to pressure them to share their info w/me or committing to being buds now. I also don't need to give them a business card. But maybe you just hand them your Friend Card, and it has whatever mode of communication on it that you want to share -- maybe just your social media handles, idk -- and if the person wants to reach out, it tells them it's cool to do so. I don't know... but something better than Facebook is needed to get us together IRL.
Very thought-provoking article. Thanks for writing.
I have been retired for 2 1/2 years. I am living in a new state with my eldest daughter and her husband. There are two ways I can think of that I get the best pajama friend type experience.
1. I have a wonderful episcopal church in St. Louis. It is very small congregation, but at 9:30 every Sunday we have what we call adult formation Dash Sunday school. The group of friends in this space are amazing. Our pastor is amazing and brings thought-provoking and well planned lessons. We all check in with how our week was or what we felt about one of her questions. It is a safe space and very confirming and thought-provoking.
2. I volunteer for four hours every Wednesday afternoon for a nonprofit thrift shop. The three or four ladies that I work with every Wednesday afternoon have become somewhat pajama friends. It is rewarding to have people that you can share your photos with and what’s going on in your life while working and hanging up clothes and pricing items.
3. I am blessed to be a part of my daughter and son-in-law‘s lives. They are very busy professionals, and I hold down the home fort and feed their horses and take care of their dogs and do the dishes and I am part of a family.I know this situation wouldn’t work out with a lot of people but it’s been really sweet for me for the last 2 1/2 years.
Thank you so much for sharing, Sybil!
Yes! Same, same! I feel I don't have friendships that are "just show up at the door" friends. Well, I think I have one friend who'd actually be fine with it, and in fact I am the issue because I wouldn't feel I could do that, and also much as I love my husband and son, they would be weirded out by someone just showing up and hanging out. But it feels too easy to blame it just on them. I don't like it, but don't know how to change it.
I lead a community and our shorthand for when we agree is the 🧠 emoji. I love everything you write and could add about 3 of those brain emojis to this post. I discovered your book The Power of Fun, ironically when I was quarantined with Covid having zero fun! Your words, books, and posts have such an important place in our culture today, and I'm so glad you're writing and sharing. I just shared your research and work in my own substack article. https://laurazug.substack.com/p/a-desire-for-digital-well-being-will?utm_source=substack&utm_content=feed%3Arecommended%3Acopy_link
For now, I think only my PJ friends are reading said substack, btw! 🤣
So good. Thank you for writing this.
Wow. Loved this. It reminded me of my college days when I was at the college hostel. My 'pajama friends' surrounded me. We were stuck up in each other's rooms snacking, watching a scary movie, partying, playing board games and video games. Then life happened. We're all still in touch but scattered across the globe.
This is such a great reflection and thank you for introducing the idea of pajama friends. I’m with my little nuclear family on a weekend getaway so I have to make this comment short (and make dinner already!) but this one haunts me as being so true:
“… you already know everything that’s going on with each other. This, in turn, frees you to exist and interact in the present, instead of telling each other about the past.”
This is so missing in most adult relationships. I can relate.
Last question. Which character would you have most closely resembled?
For better or worse I would have been Ross. Not that I’ve ever found myself in a friends-style living arrangement! I was holed up and working my butt off in med school and residency through the bulk of my 20’s, so I kind of resented this show even though I watched many episodes!!
My friends used to host a New Year’s Day party and we’d watch a movie and eat fondue and maybe there’s be a puzzle in progress but, yes, you would come on your pajamas and it was great. I always like that part of a trip (or camping!) when you sit around in your warm comfy clothes and sip coffee and figure out what to do that day. I don’t know exactly how to get more of that in my everyday life but it is a great common desire to explore.
Hi C- I enjoyed your Pajama Friends post to the point of finally ante-ing up my paid subscription! In the way of suggestions, I would commend you to Katie Couric’s delightful podcast convo with David Brooks and Kelly Corrigan on Brook’s most recent work,”How To Know A Person”. I found it full of wisdom and think it pairs well with your search on the topic. On a parallel track, I’m starting to dig for ideas and guests for my little KWMR program to explore the lonliness epidemic in the US and what we can do about it.
Aw, thank you, Jim! I really appreciate it. I will definitely check out the interview - and let me know if there’s any way I can help with the show!
Very insightful article. I think that the system in general needs to change and be repurposed such that it stops prioritizing the rat race and wealth.
Instead, the system needs to allow society to not have to work long hours and have so much workload, so that people can have more free time to spend with their family and friends. This would definitely provide opportunities to sustain and rekindle relationships among old friends, especially those who're living further apart from each other compared to when they were younger.
Ultimately, society needs to have a healthy, proper work-life balance, so that people can have these important social interactions and relationships with each other.
Oh my goodness, this substack really hit for me. I feel like you put into words everything I’ve been feeling lately around adult loneliness but hadn’t articulated. And I love the whole concept of “pyjama friends” (as we’d spell it in the UK). I also suspect that Covid and a year and a half of socialising on screens has not helped. Also, how fascinating that Gen Z is watching Friends for the appeal of a time before social media. I had never thought of that before but my goodness, now it feels so obvious. Thank you for such a brilliant newsletter
A great example I’ve seen is written in “The Turquoise Table” - a nonfiction book about a woman who puts a picnic table in her front yard, paints it blue and just sits out there with her coffee or her laptop and offers it as a hangout spot for the neighborhood. People stop and ask her what it’s all about and it actually builds community. I’ve also seen a piece about “crappy dinner parties” where people have a standing date where people can come over - to a house that has not been tidied - and eat a very unfancy supper In community. We definitely need more of these opportunities right now.
I love these ideas. We used to (pre-Covid) host a Thanksgiving leftovers party the Saturday after Thanksgiving, even though we ourselves usually didn't have any left-overs. It reminded me of the children's story, "Stone Soup," where the main character pretends to be making a "delicious" soup out of water and a stone, and asks friends to each contribute one additional ingredient -- by the end of the story, they end up with a soup that is *actually* delicious. Thank you for sharing!
Your newsletter touched me so deeply. I’ve been binge watching friends too and reflecting on how that show influenced my life. The thing is, I am 47 years old and while I still have my long distance, childhood pajama friends, I also have pajama friends in every place I’ve ever lived (which is a lot of places). I’ve now been in Edmonton Alberta for 7 years and am reflecting on the fact that my 12 year old son has a group of school pals who I would consider to be pajama friends. I dream of helping others do this, and I don't think it has to take a long time.
What has worked for me time and time again, is:
1) prioritizing making connections and talking to people
2) Taking advantage of opportunities for fun in the context of my stage of life.
3) Using the resources that are right in front of me. For example, we moved the UK when my son was two. We joined every toddler class we could find, we went to the same park all the time and soon met people in the same stage of life.
3) Get comfortable asking people to make plans and follow up, this might mean being uncomfortable and doing it anyway for a little while but the rewards are well worth it. I think in the UK, within six months I had a circle of pajama friends. This was in 2014 and I still keep in touch with these ladies.
Anyway, sharing in case it might be helpful.
This is so helpful, Elissa -- thank you for sharing!
I have a couple of thoughts on this. I have two groups of pajama friends and I think there are some key things about them:
1. You can't fast forward pajama friends. I tried once (after a move where I felt desperate for friends) and I ended up finding some red flags too late because I dove in head first to this friendship. I had to try to distance myself as graciously as possible and that is not easy. In my experience only long periods of time* spent together can make a pajama friend. *Possibly with the exception of going through a traumatic experience together...that does seem to intensify a friendship quicker than normal.
2. You have to make people a priority sometimes -even when it feels inconvenient- if you're going to have pajama friends. It seems that many people prioritize comfort (physical, social, etc.) over friendships. The more often you prioritize time with a friend, the faster they will (potentially) become a pajama friend.
3. This one is not going to apply to everyone. If you have someone in your life who can help you prioritize your friendships sometimes without feeling resentful, that is huge. For example, a spouse being willing to watch the kids while you go for a girl's night out or a weekend away with friends (without holding it against you!!!). My husband is wonderful about this and I happily do the same for him. We don't do these things super often but having the freedom to prioritize friendships over family every once in a while has been amazing for my friendships...and good for my marriage too.
4. You have to force yourself to be vulnerable at some point. Deep friendships happen when you share your crap. When you are totally honest with someone, they realize your full trust and will often reciprocate. I had one friend in a "pajama group" who did not share her stuff openly with us. She is the only one out of my PJ friends that I did not feel completely comfortable sharing my hardest things with or going to bawling my eyes out when something hard hit because I didn't have that complete confidence in her that she would fully understand. She didn't really reciprocate so it made me uncomfortable to share my worst. Vulnerability builds trust. Wear your pajamas first, like Rachel did and maybe your friends will go change into theirs. 🤷🏼♀️😉
5. I know many might disagree but personally, out of my entire lifetime of pajama friends, almost all of them are people I met through church. Having that connection of a deep faith in the Lord has been a strong foundation to build on. Obviously people who don't attend church still have close friendships but my faith has been a key factor in my closest relationships.
I'm sure there are plenty more but those are some of the main components of pajama friends that come to mind first. Side note: one of my pajama groups is a literal pajama group. When we do girls nights together every few months, the majority are nights in, in our PJs with takeout (possibly trying to play a game through all our taking) while someone's husband is upstairs with the kids. I just got home from our annual weekend away together where we spent at least half our time at the house together in our PJs. Long live pajama friends! 🥂😉