Thank you for this lovely post. I have really struggled with making friends later in life but I have recently started a writing group in the library of our local Unitarian church (I'm not religious but they have great spaces to hire). I'm really glad that I stepped out of my comfort zone to do this because I've met the nicest people. It's much easier to interact because we already have something in common.
I love this idea that furniture - and it’s placement - can change the ‘social temperature’ of a space. In my neighbourhood we have ‘pocket parks’ - tiny patches of grass with a couple of benches which are designed to incentivise stopping and chatting. But I love the idea that people can affect this kind of change in and around their own homes in a really affordable, accessible way. So interesting!
Agreed! I’m in Philly but a different neighborhood than Catherine. My street is tree lined and not a major thoroughfare, and just walking a couple blocks I usually see a friendly face and have a chance to chat. We have a 96 year old Italian man who is the sweetest, most gentle man as a multigenerational example! Sometimes we have a block party, although I’ve missed a lot lately 😕
I also lived on Lombard street for a while, and never got to know more than a couple neighbors. Too much traffic. And the pocket park was too far away. Difficult stoop/chair situation.
Catherine - have you ever met friends to rollerblade/picnic/walk at the Navy Yard? A great place for a play date but involves driving and planning. But there are lots of moveable chairs (!) and we had a family gathering there last spring that was so fun. Central Green part of the park.
Anyway, i love Philly for the small town feel within a real city, and someday I’ll have time for real friendships… but enjoying the casual quick interactions for now!
I think the Irish with their pubs, and the Spanish with their outdoor cafes and disrespect of bedtime are cultures to emulate personally.
Loved this! I find this issue to be exacerbated in winter - there’s a shortage of FREE & safe indoor spaces where people can just exist & potentially socialise without having to buy something
A delightful post! I maintain that the stylish, comfortable outdoor patio seating set I bought 3 years ago has totally boosted my social life. I hesitated for a long time to invest in landscaping, but wow, does it make a difference! During warm weather, friends and neighbours drop by on a regular basis because they know there's a pleasant place to sit and visit—and because they sometimes see me hanging out there from the street. How you design/structure your own home and yard for hanging out with friends affects their inclination to come by. The inverse is true, too: There's a distinct feeling you get when you visit someone who's clearly not accustomed to visitors and does have a natural place for you to sit! It feels awkward.
I also appreciate your reference to European squares. I used to live in Italy, and would head to the piazza often to meet friends for beer and a bag of chips. I agree that seating makes all the difference. People in nice clothes usually don't want to sit on the ground, nor linger there. Chairs and a table create a natural and desirable focal point.
Most parks in Taiwan and China, you will see a lively social scene. With dancing, martial arts classes, children running around, and all the beautiful things that you noticed in the New York Square. Your description of such makes me reminisce about and miss such camaraderie!
Your reflections also helped me see and even more deeply appreciate our local Surf community. I live in a little surf town in Southern California, where we surf most days. We meet new friends and see old friends of all ages in the water. Surfing here is an act of solo well-being, cultivating relationship with Ocean, and also nourishing community with each other. So, growing Acquaintances and eventually pajama buddies perhaps, through shared interests, like folks with religions.
Thank you also for voicing the often times lonely, lacking pajamas parties, overly serious Adulting lives of us “grown-ups.” May we restore the childlike wonder of our pajama celebration days in fresh and innovative ways, with things as simple as patio chairs and lawn arrangement! Living in a condo, I will ponder that one. Thanks for a great article.
I love Alison's idea to have a friend card she hands out. One suggestion: she could write a few things she can help people with on her card. Like, "I can talk about Bravo shows, help you learn how to knit and suggest good fiction books." That will give her potential friends a (potentially) compelling on-ramp to kick off discussion.
Every friendship needs and ABOUT, a clear and compelling reason to keep a friendship active. Might as well throw some abouts out there and see if that sparks connection.
I recently moved to an intentional community about an hour from Asheville, NC. Here's an article on it for those interested: https://www.ourstate.com/seeking-civility/ - one of my favorite things the community does is in the winter - they create a physical calendar with dates and locations (mostly peoples homes) for the winter months called "cabin fever." You can just show up for a Mexican potluck or an open mic or a talk about someone's trip in Guatemala or a weekly music jam or a scrabble competition.
Firstly, love Alison's idea about the cards- reminiscent of Victorian era calling cards, I might try that as an experiment! I think the trick is to make sure it is purely social, so I won't include any professional/business info, just name and best way to connect. I will report back! Secondly, I was in Ireland recently and struck by the masses of people that would meet in the park and lamented that we don't have that here in Toronto. But then came home, and we started going out on Saturdays for a restaurant meal trying to hold on to our vacation vibe....and was astonished to walk past two different local parks where people gathered to socialize while watching a gorgeous view of the sunset over the city skyline. I think perhaps this park life is happening more than most of us struggling to find connections actually realize. If we hadn't left the house those Saturday nights, which we don't usually, I would have sworn to you that there is no social park culture in my city! But yes, now it's winter so will have to remember to try to get out there when everything thaws out!
I do agree that such social interactions are missing in our modern society. These types of interactions are indeed important, as they result in holistic mental and emotional development in people.
I'm new here, and will be heading over to the pajama post asap, but wanted to say proximity isn't a pre-req to pajama friends, at least in my experience. I've been an expat for decades and have friends all over the world, many of whom I maybe see every couple years in person, and there are definitely pajama friends among that group. Heck, during the pandemic we had zoom pj cocktail parties - did I mention we are all 60+ (and how did THAT happen?!) For me, the pajama friend equation is time + effort, while the acquaintance is all about proximity. Glad I found you - keep making us think!
I’m lucky enough to live in a very walkable part of the Boston area and less than 5 minutes walk from my house there’s a small park, that has a lovely green space ringed by tall trees. The space has movable Adirondack chairs and people use them exactly as you describe - to move around and use for spontaneous or planned conversations. Watching how the placement of those chairs changes over time is one of my favorite things about that part as it tells the stories of these little interactions.
Also reminds me that I got a ride home from my rock choir recently from a man who lived a few houses down. He’s a bit older than me with a daughter in college and he said that his favorite thing about the neighborhood is that everyone had postage stamp sizes yards which forced everyone out of their homes and into the park where you couldn’t help to get to know the whole neighborhood.
Loved everything about this post! Bryant Park has long been one of my favorite spaces and I had no idea about the chair experiment. But it's something I felt when in that space that drew me to it.
The turquoise table is a fun idea. I love areas where there's a strong "porch life". We're currently looking for our long-term home, and I'm much more drawn to neighborhoods where houses have front sitting areas specifically for this reason. It can completely transform a neighborhood when people hang out in front of their house instead of just in back.
I've found in the US the closest thing we have to piazzas is the "main street". Especially ones that are smaller, with less car traffic, become gathering places where you're likely to have repeat interactions with your neighbors. Otherwise we are still lacking third spaces. Bars and cafes are about it. Libraries (if people were to still go to them). I'm sensing that as people are moving away from religions, and losing the space of the traditional temple/mosque/church, they're seeking spirituality groups in other places, and a new sort of temple, or community center is emerging. It feels like we're in deep transition on this front. The craving for more meaningful third spaces is as clear as day to me. I'm confident we will fill that hole in creative ways.
On moveable chairs: it's something I've seen work well at events. When the chairs are bolted to the ground, the audience can feel quite rigid. When the chairs are movable, I love to facilitate experiences where they get to pick up their chairs and move them around, form groups, and make a mess of the place.
On the topic of acquaintances: I recently discovered some research that showed that these more passive interactions are incredibly important for our well-being, even more so than just purely having pajama friends. We need a "portfolio of interactions and relationships" throughout our day. Wrote about that research here if you're interested to go deeper: https://davidspinks.substack.com/p/why-close-friendships-arent-always-enough
I've also been research the concept of "engineering serendipity", which aligns closely with these concepts of designing spaces in a way where connections can more naturally emerge. There's a lot of fascinating research about the process that serendipity requires that can help educate how we design our local communities. That research is here: https://davidspinks.substack.com/p/engineer-serendipity
It seems like we're thinking and writing about a lot of similar themes. If you're ever up for a chat, give me a shout (=
I'd love to hear more from readers who live in climates that are colder/darker longer ... Because my mind immediately thought well, obviously the issue is it's too cold/dark here for meeting up in that informal way, there's nowhere to do it if it's too freezing at the park.....is that shortsighted (and too north-american)?
There's a free play area in our local mall for kids that we go to a lot in the summer. It's right next to the food court so it's a super convenient place to bring families.
It sort of kills me inside that I just mentioned a shopping mall as a meaningful third space, but it's honestly been a game changer for our family in the winter (we're in westchester, NY).
Thank you for this lovely post. I have really struggled with making friends later in life but I have recently started a writing group in the library of our local Unitarian church (I'm not religious but they have great spaces to hire). I'm really glad that I stepped out of my comfort zone to do this because I've met the nicest people. It's much easier to interact because we already have something in common.
I love this idea that furniture - and it’s placement - can change the ‘social temperature’ of a space. In my neighbourhood we have ‘pocket parks’ - tiny patches of grass with a couple of benches which are designed to incentivise stopping and chatting. But I love the idea that people can affect this kind of change in and around their own homes in a really affordable, accessible way. So interesting!
Agreed! I’m in Philly but a different neighborhood than Catherine. My street is tree lined and not a major thoroughfare, and just walking a couple blocks I usually see a friendly face and have a chance to chat. We have a 96 year old Italian man who is the sweetest, most gentle man as a multigenerational example! Sometimes we have a block party, although I’ve missed a lot lately 😕
I also lived on Lombard street for a while, and never got to know more than a couple neighbors. Too much traffic. And the pocket park was too far away. Difficult stoop/chair situation.
Catherine - have you ever met friends to rollerblade/picnic/walk at the Navy Yard? A great place for a play date but involves driving and planning. But there are lots of moveable chairs (!) and we had a family gathering there last spring that was so fun. Central Green part of the park.
Anyway, i love Philly for the small town feel within a real city, and someday I’ll have time for real friendships… but enjoying the casual quick interactions for now!
I think the Irish with their pubs, and the Spanish with their outdoor cafes and disrespect of bedtime are cultures to emulate personally.
Loved this! I find this issue to be exacerbated in winter - there’s a shortage of FREE & safe indoor spaces where people can just exist & potentially socialise without having to buy something
A delightful post! I maintain that the stylish, comfortable outdoor patio seating set I bought 3 years ago has totally boosted my social life. I hesitated for a long time to invest in landscaping, but wow, does it make a difference! During warm weather, friends and neighbours drop by on a regular basis because they know there's a pleasant place to sit and visit—and because they sometimes see me hanging out there from the street. How you design/structure your own home and yard for hanging out with friends affects their inclination to come by. The inverse is true, too: There's a distinct feeling you get when you visit someone who's clearly not accustomed to visitors and does have a natural place for you to sit! It feels awkward.
I also appreciate your reference to European squares. I used to live in Italy, and would head to the piazza often to meet friends for beer and a bag of chips. I agree that seating makes all the difference. People in nice clothes usually don't want to sit on the ground, nor linger there. Chairs and a table create a natural and desirable focal point.
Most parks in Taiwan and China, you will see a lively social scene. With dancing, martial arts classes, children running around, and all the beautiful things that you noticed in the New York Square. Your description of such makes me reminisce about and miss such camaraderie!
Your reflections also helped me see and even more deeply appreciate our local Surf community. I live in a little surf town in Southern California, where we surf most days. We meet new friends and see old friends of all ages in the water. Surfing here is an act of solo well-being, cultivating relationship with Ocean, and also nourishing community with each other. So, growing Acquaintances and eventually pajama buddies perhaps, through shared interests, like folks with religions.
Thank you also for voicing the often times lonely, lacking pajamas parties, overly serious Adulting lives of us “grown-ups.” May we restore the childlike wonder of our pajama celebration days in fresh and innovative ways, with things as simple as patio chairs and lawn arrangement! Living in a condo, I will ponder that one. Thanks for a great article.
A friend gave me a friend version of a business card and it worked for our relationship! It's a fun idea!
I love Alison's idea to have a friend card she hands out. One suggestion: she could write a few things she can help people with on her card. Like, "I can talk about Bravo shows, help you learn how to knit and suggest good fiction books." That will give her potential friends a (potentially) compelling on-ramp to kick off discussion.
Every friendship needs and ABOUT, a clear and compelling reason to keep a friendship active. Might as well throw some abouts out there and see if that sparks connection.
Good luck making friends, everyone!!!
I recently moved to an intentional community about an hour from Asheville, NC. Here's an article on it for those interested: https://www.ourstate.com/seeking-civility/ - one of my favorite things the community does is in the winter - they create a physical calendar with dates and locations (mostly peoples homes) for the winter months called "cabin fever." You can just show up for a Mexican potluck or an open mic or a talk about someone's trip in Guatemala or a weekly music jam or a scrabble competition.
Firstly, love Alison's idea about the cards- reminiscent of Victorian era calling cards, I might try that as an experiment! I think the trick is to make sure it is purely social, so I won't include any professional/business info, just name and best way to connect. I will report back! Secondly, I was in Ireland recently and struck by the masses of people that would meet in the park and lamented that we don't have that here in Toronto. But then came home, and we started going out on Saturdays for a restaurant meal trying to hold on to our vacation vibe....and was astonished to walk past two different local parks where people gathered to socialize while watching a gorgeous view of the sunset over the city skyline. I think perhaps this park life is happening more than most of us struggling to find connections actually realize. If we hadn't left the house those Saturday nights, which we don't usually, I would have sworn to you that there is no social park culture in my city! But yes, now it's winter so will have to remember to try to get out there when everything thaws out!
I do agree that such social interactions are missing in our modern society. These types of interactions are indeed important, as they result in holistic mental and emotional development in people.
I'm new here, and will be heading over to the pajama post asap, but wanted to say proximity isn't a pre-req to pajama friends, at least in my experience. I've been an expat for decades and have friends all over the world, many of whom I maybe see every couple years in person, and there are definitely pajama friends among that group. Heck, during the pandemic we had zoom pj cocktail parties - did I mention we are all 60+ (and how did THAT happen?!) For me, the pajama friend equation is time + effort, while the acquaintance is all about proximity. Glad I found you - keep making us think!
I’m lucky enough to live in a very walkable part of the Boston area and less than 5 minutes walk from my house there’s a small park, that has a lovely green space ringed by tall trees. The space has movable Adirondack chairs and people use them exactly as you describe - to move around and use for spontaneous or planned conversations. Watching how the placement of those chairs changes over time is one of my favorite things about that part as it tells the stories of these little interactions.
Also reminds me that I got a ride home from my rock choir recently from a man who lived a few houses down. He’s a bit older than me with a daughter in college and he said that his favorite thing about the neighborhood is that everyone had postage stamp sizes yards which forced everyone out of their homes and into the park where you couldn’t help to get to know the whole neighborhood.
Loved everything about this post! Bryant Park has long been one of my favorite spaces and I had no idea about the chair experiment. But it's something I felt when in that space that drew me to it.
The turquoise table is a fun idea. I love areas where there's a strong "porch life". We're currently looking for our long-term home, and I'm much more drawn to neighborhoods where houses have front sitting areas specifically for this reason. It can completely transform a neighborhood when people hang out in front of their house instead of just in back.
I've found in the US the closest thing we have to piazzas is the "main street". Especially ones that are smaller, with less car traffic, become gathering places where you're likely to have repeat interactions with your neighbors. Otherwise we are still lacking third spaces. Bars and cafes are about it. Libraries (if people were to still go to them). I'm sensing that as people are moving away from religions, and losing the space of the traditional temple/mosque/church, they're seeking spirituality groups in other places, and a new sort of temple, or community center is emerging. It feels like we're in deep transition on this front. The craving for more meaningful third spaces is as clear as day to me. I'm confident we will fill that hole in creative ways.
On moveable chairs: it's something I've seen work well at events. When the chairs are bolted to the ground, the audience can feel quite rigid. When the chairs are movable, I love to facilitate experiences where they get to pick up their chairs and move them around, form groups, and make a mess of the place.
On the topic of acquaintances: I recently discovered some research that showed that these more passive interactions are incredibly important for our well-being, even more so than just purely having pajama friends. We need a "portfolio of interactions and relationships" throughout our day. Wrote about that research here if you're interested to go deeper: https://davidspinks.substack.com/p/why-close-friendships-arent-always-enough
I've also been research the concept of "engineering serendipity", which aligns closely with these concepts of designing spaces in a way where connections can more naturally emerge. There's a lot of fascinating research about the process that serendipity requires that can help educate how we design our local communities. That research is here: https://davidspinks.substack.com/p/engineer-serendipity
It seems like we're thinking and writing about a lot of similar themes. If you're ever up for a chat, give me a shout (=
I'd love to hear more from readers who live in climates that are colder/darker longer ... Because my mind immediately thought well, obviously the issue is it's too cold/dark here for meeting up in that informal way, there's nowhere to do it if it's too freezing at the park.....is that shortsighted (and too north-american)?
There's a free play area in our local mall for kids that we go to a lot in the summer. It's right next to the food court so it's a super convenient place to bring families.
It sort of kills me inside that I just mentioned a shopping mall as a meaningful third space, but it's honestly been a game changer for our family in the winter (we're in westchester, NY).