How to Confront Someone About Their Phone Use*
*Without confronting them about their phone use
The other day, our daughter pulled me aside to say that she thought that my husband/her dad was spending too much time on his phone. (From the mouths of babes!) And, honestly, it was true. He’d just gotten back from an extremely stressful work trip, during which he had gotten into the habit of mindlessly scrolling to decompress—totally understandable, but not what he wanted to be doing now that he was home. And while my daughter didn’t call me out on my own habits (I receive enough scolding from our dog), I wasn’t feeling too good about my own phone use, either.
I encouraged my daughter to bring this up directly with my husband (thankfully he was appreciative of the intervention), and we ended up having a really productive family conversation about our phone habits.
Among other things, we brainstormed ideas for how she could let my husband and me know when she feels like we’re ignoring her in favor of our phones. We ended up coming up with an idea that I love, and which I wanted to share with you all as well in case it’s helpful to you.
We created a code word. (Our daughter chose “asparagus.”)
Now, whenever she catches us mindlessly scrolling when we’re supposed to be interacting, she simply says “Asparagus!”. (And my husband and I say it to each other, too. It must sound very strange to anyone other than us.)
This might sound totally silly—but that’s exactly why it works: we’re using playfulness as a way to make a serious point. When I hear her say, “asparagus” (not that she’d ever need to say that to me), I don’t feel like I’m being nagged or criticized. Instead, I feel like she and I are sharing an inside joke—and I put down my phone. The playfulness brings us closer.
I think this is a good technique for adults, too. I hear from a LOT of people who feel like their spouse/partner/significant other’s phone use is harming their relationship—but who are worried about bringing it up because they don’t want to come across as if they’re nagging or being critical. (Actually, in many cases, it’s already a source of tension in their relationship, and the other person already feels defensive.) Using a code word adds a touch of levity to what otherwise might be a loaded interaction.
I’m sure that there’s some technical term for this communication strategy (therapists, tell me more!) — but for now, I’m just thinking of it as the Family Asparagus Communication Technique (FACT). If you try it, feel free to share your experience (and your family’s code word) in the comments.
To scrolling less and living more,
Catherine
PS: Is “asparagus” even a real word? I’ve never typed it this many times in one sitting, and it’s beginning to sound nonsensical.
I love this! My spouse tells me I've become an "NPC" if I stop engaging in conversation to look at my phone... That's a "non player character," a term from video game culture to describe characters who just stand there and don't do anything. Works great to get me back into real life.
I want you to trademark FACT! Gottman and other researchers talk about the use of humor as a tool to defuse tension and build intimacy, but I can't recall if they have any clever labels for the strategy.