What IS fun?
What IS fun?
My proposed definition, and how to put it to use
Thank you so much to everyone who has shared a fun memory from 2023 in the community discussion thread. It’s truly wonderful (and, yes, a delight) to read through them.
Here are a few examples of what’s been shared so far:
3/4 of our family was stuck for hours on end in a mall in a strange city on Christmas Eve, waiting for the other 1/4 whose flight was extremely delayed. We had no desire to be there… but somehow we ended up having fun in random silly ways: watching little kids watch huge fish in a huge tank at Bass Pro Shop; scanning the discount racks at Books-A-Million; seeing how many people dressed up —outrageously or otherwise— to roam the mall. I was amazed to have ended up with good memories of an otherwise frustrating day!
When visiting my cousin for the first time in many years, I decided to be curious towards my cousin's 8 years old son's toys, as a way of interesting myself to him. I ended up playing on the carpet not only with him but also with my adult boyfriend and sister, and I had much more fun that I thought I could have, just pushing the buttons for the little characters to fight with one another. So it was not really the toys that were fun nor the people, but the fact that with were playing together with the (stupid) toys in a candid way.
Playing cards with my family over the holidays. Starting a new tradition to help our grief over the loss of my mother on Labor Day. The game was quite fun and brought fun feelings!
I visited some friends in California last year who had been tracking the tides at a local beach. I happened to be there during low tide so we went off to check out the scene. There were hundreds of people there gathering sea urchin and mussels, spear fishing, cooking on the beach... the whole thing was so far from my ordinary experience of city life and I found it absolutely fascinating and inspiring. I also got to touch some sea anemone!
We were watching our 8-year-old grandson playing basketball. The joy of watching these kids fully committed to the game, their joy in everyone’s making a basket, watching our son beaming at his son, and my husband beaming at his son. I remember thinking at that moment This is Fun! (Now I would put my finger in the air and say ‘Delight’.
I don’t know about you, but whenever I read through people’s past experiences I end up with a big smile on my face—but I also feel emotional, sometimes to the point that I tear up. There’s something so pure and joyful about these stories, something that seems to tap into our shared humanity.
These stories also disprove some of the many misconceptions that we have about fun. For example, we often think that “having fun” requires you to go someplace exotic, or spend a lot of money. But a lot of the stories that have been shared so far took place in extremely mundane places—and were free.
What’s more, some of them involve things that you’d probably never include on a list of “fun” activities (which speaks to the fact that, as I discussed in my last newsletter, fun is a feeling, not an activity). Like, for example, getting stuck at a mall while waiting for a delayed flight.
The takeaway? You can have fun nearly anywhere, in nearly any context, and it doesn’t necessarily require any money.
That’s amazing. And to me at least, it prompts an essential question:
What IS fun?
The dictionary definition of fun is that it’s simply “light-hearted amusement or enjoyment.” But that definition doesn’t capture the deep joy—and meaning—that comes through when I ask people to tell me stories from their lives that stand out to them as fun.
After gathering thousands of these stories from people around the world and doing a lot of research/reading on my own, I came up with a new definition of fun—namely, that fun is the confluence of three psychological states: playfulness, connection, and flow. Those three ingredients are each wonderful for us on their own, but when all three happen at once, that’s what I consider to be True Fun. (I’ll explain why I call it “true” fun instead of just “fun” in a later newsletter.)
Fun = Playful, Connected Flow
A quick clarification of what I mean:
Playfulness refers to having a light-hearted spirit—of not taking yourself too seriously and finding ways to laugh. It does not require you to be silly, or childish, or to play games (unless you want to); it’s all about your attitude.
Connection refers to the feeling of having a special, shared experience with someone else. Yes, I do think it’s occasionally possible to have fun on your own, and for this feeling of connection to occur with yourself, or your surroundings, or the activity at hand. But in the vast majority of stories people tell me, another person is involved — and this is true even for introverts.
Flow is the state we’re in when we’re totally engrossed and actively focused on the activity or experience at hand—it’s when we’re in the zone. The most quintessential examples of people in flow would be athletes playing a game, or musicians playing music, or rock-climbers climbing. Time flies when you’re in flow (potentially because when you’re in flow, the part of your brain that keeps track of time disengages).
What’s important to note about flow is that it is, by definition, an active and focused state. Sure, time flies when you’re watching Netflix, but that’s passive consumption, so it doesn’t count. Also, anything that distracts you is going to kick you out of flow and, therefore, prevent you from having fun. That’s why we’re going to devote some of our funtervention to figuring out ways to reduce digital distractions (perhaps not surprising, considering that one of my other books is called How to Break Up With Your Phone!).
Why’s it useful to define fun as playful,connected flow?
One of my favorite parts of defining fun as playful, connected flow is that it takes a very nebulous concept—fun—and breaks it down into something more accessible. In other words, don’t stress yourself out by trying to “have more fun.” Instead, focus on creating more everyday moments of playfulness, connection, or flow.
Best case scenario: these attempts might lead to more moments of True Fun. Worse case scenario: you’ll have more moments of playfulness or connection or flow—which would be a wonderful outcome as well.
What to do this weekend:
(By the way, east coast and UK folks, sorry for the late email send. I was out doing something fun today! More details on that next week!)
Notice any moments of playfulness, connection OR flow that you experience. Bonus points if you jot them down so that you can reflect on them going forward. (I’ve included a printable journal page for Fun Squad members—that’s my new name for paid subscribers!—see below.) The better you get at noticing these moments when they occur, the more you’ll appreciate them—and the easier it will be to create more moments of playfulness, connection, and flow in the future.
Speaking of which, play around with ideas for how you could create more moments of playfulness, connection or flow this weekend for yourself, or for people you’re with. For example, is there something new you could do or try? Could you create a delight for yourself or someone else? Could you put your phone away for a few hours to protect your ability to get into flow? If it’s helpful, here’s a post I wrote a while back about how to have a good weekend.
If you haven’t already, check out the community discussion thread in which people have been sharing a fun memory from 2023 (and please add one of your own—we’re going to be using these next week). As you do so, pay attention to what it feels like to read about other people’s experiences of fun. Also, see if you notice elements of playfulness, connection, or flow in their (or your) stories.
Please continue to notice and share your delights in the chat.
Fun Squad Bonus: The Fun Forum!
Lastly, I just created a brand new feature for my paid subscribers—who shall be known from this moment on as THE FUN SQUAD (cue a dramatic, super-hero chord): a paid-subscriber-only discussion thread (aka “The Fun Forum”), where you can ask me questions, share experiences, and interact with other people in the group. I’ll pop in several times a week to check in and directly answer any questions you might have.
And that’s it for now. I hope you have weekends filled with playfulness, connection, and flow.
To scrolling less and living more,
PS: My delight of the day: there is a mystery artist in my neighborhood who fills sidewalk cracks with mosaics.
