In my late 20's and 30's when I was still single and living the freest version of my one big beautiful life, I used to travel for work. While there were certainly days when people exhausted me, for the most part, I loved it! Airports are a breeding ground for interesting stories, and the more I made "The Choice", the more I gobbled them up. On one of those trips when I was closer to exhaustion than exhilaration, I overheard a young man in uniform in the waiting area telling the people around him about his new baby, whom he was flying home to meet for the first time. He was noticeably anxious, leg bopping all over the place while he wrung his hands, but he was also clearly already in love, a baby-faced smile lighting his cheeks. I didn't have the energy to talk to him, but as I boarded the plane, I asked the flight attendant if I could swap seats, giving this young man my first class seat. I pre-ordered him a glass of champagne to toast his news and dutifully headed back to coach. When the young man found "his seat", I was sitting in it and a look of confusion and unease crossed his face. I smiled, and told him I heard his news and was hoping he'd accept a bit of a congratulations gift and take my seat in first class. I have never seen a grown man so excited in my entire life. He almost yelled, 'REALLY?!?" and pumped my hand up and down thanking me. I smiled for the entire flight, stuck in the middle with no elbow room. I think about that young many often, even though its been over a decade since that flight. That choice to interact with him in that way did so much more for me than it did for him, and I sincerely hope he will tell his little girl the story one day, to pay the choice forward so she knows that her Daddy was talking about her in an airport even before he met her. Thank you for reminding me about my choice and why its so important to keep choosing people and humanity first.
Thank you so much for sharing this story, Jess — what an inspiring and thoughtful thing to do! I’m sure that he does remember that plane ride, and that he still tells that story. I love thinking of little things we each can do to brighten other people’s days.
My pleasure! It seemed like such a simple thing at the time, but its one of the few actions that brings me joy every time I remember it, even though my motivation for doing it was to bring some joy to his life. I think that’s the reciprocal nature of “The Choice,” and it offers us so much more to work with than we even realize at the time.
Last week, I got on the elevator in the parking garage at work and briefly chatted with a gentleman who I discovered was a veteran. He was walking with the aid of a wheeled walker. When we got to the first floor, my inclination was to say a quick "have a good day" and rush inside the building (I was running late). But, I chose to walk with him; his slow, steady steps made me slow down (literally and figuratively). We had a very nice conversation. When we got to the front door, a coworker of his was waiting for him (it seemed like they had a routine). I'm grateful for the opportunity to slow down to connect with a stranger. ☺️
I have found that one of the easiest connections to a stranger is if they have a baby. I did this today at a rest stop on Interstate 90. The baby was 9 months old with his parents at the Panera inside, and after saying a few words to to the little fella I was able to strike up a brief conversation with his mom and dad. That always cheers me up.
Years ago we were eating outside at a restaurant on vacation. A sudden rain storm brought an older couple over to our sheltered table. It was a long table and there was plenty of room. We faced the choice of whether to engage or not. We did and had an amazing discussion with the couple. She grew up in Germany during WWII. It was fascinating hearing her experiences as a child during the war. I’ll never forget it.
The boa constrictor story is proof that curiosity does not need to accomplish anything to be worth having. It is so interesting how much of adult life quietly trains people out of asking questions that serve no purpose beyond delight, especially once every interaction starts getting evaluated for efficiency.
When I've traveled, sometime s the stress makes me want to stay in a comfort bubble... but invariably I've learned that I feel better, (happier, more at ease, more joyful, and less stressed) if I make a point to have a least a few small and friendly interactions. (I don't want to scare someone into thinking I'll be telling them my life story...and ppl have told me theirs not fewer them 5 times..exhausting!!)
Making time for genuine connection is truly not wasted.
I have to say, this post has made a massive difference to me today. I have had a low mood for the past few days, brought on by lots of events, today I decided to innocently engage and interact with people, it has totally transformed my mood
Love this post, Catherine! Last week, I went to the doctor to get earwax removed so I could scuba dive. I was so embarrassed that I couldn't get it out myself, and I chattered like mad to the nurse...a stranger to me. I asked her about the strangest thing she'd ever found while cleaning someone's ear, and she said "Half a cockroach." An unexpected delight that still has me laughing and cringing in horror!
Oh my god. First of all: hilarious! (Second: what happened to the OTHER half?) Oddly (though perhaps not surprisingly) I also once asked an ear doctor what the weirdest thing was that they ever pulled out of someone's ear, and they told me a story about a kid who had put a dried bean into his ear (to which I was like, "What kind? Pinto? Black bean? Kidney bean?") -- which maybe wasn't itself THAT odd (especially compared to half a cockroach), but then they said that when the parents took the kid to the ER, there was some resident on staff who had the brilliant idea to try to get the bean out by putting Krazy glue on the end of a stick and using it to fish out the bean. (!!!!) Needless to say, that did not work. (The poor kid ended up having to go under general anesthesia so that an ACTUAL otolaryngologist could remove the bean AND the stick.)
Just a couple of days ago, I had a similar experience with passport control - the only individuals scarier than security check! I didn't hear what happened with the person ahead of me but when it was my turn, the agent rolled his eyes and said "some people," as though the person before did something pretty ridiculous. He made no eye-contact, mind you. The look on his face was stern [of course] and not inviting at all, but I went ahead anyway and said: "Well, at least it means you're never bored on the job." And he stopped, smiled, looked up at me with this look of unexpected surprise and amusement and said "You're so right." Abd that was it - small moment of connection and delight.
I am an extroverted introvert, but I will start a conversation with almost anyone at any time. I do it as a way to show people that I see and value them. There have been only a few occasions where I was met with silence or awkwardness, but 90 percent of the time the exchanges are uplifting, joyful, and just plain fun. So for the few times they are awkward, the majority of the time it's totally worth it. For me, the choice is always to engage.
Just yesterday, I was on a 3hr flight (window seat right over the wing!) and an older pair of twins sat next to me. The older woman and I struck up a conversation first when she noticed I was completing a Lego set of the Space Shuttle (and then she introduced me to her twin brother on the aisle seat!) We talked about community, bereavement, swim clubs, ukulele bands, health care, traveling to obscure places, addiction to technology, writing, reading, family, personality tests, catheters, college stories, Artemis II, and favorite authors. I can’t even begin to explain how lovely this conversation was! And how needed it was for me, touching in ways I didn’t know I lacked. :)
You had me at ukulele bands! :) But seriously: what a lovely story. Thank you so much for sharing it. (And I hear you on how these moments can touch us in ways that we don't even realize we're lacking.)
Small talk is powerful for our own mental and physical health, but also as a micro-bulwark that can scale over entire populations against authoritarianism. Timothy Snyder wrote about small talk explicitly in his book "On Tyranny."
Old school 2021 reading, more important now than ever:
Just last night I spoke with th a young woman on the train. She was wearing a Phila hat and so I ask "hey you from Philly". Her response, "no, but I claim it". Turns out she was from Lancaster a nearby small town outside of Philly. A town I was familiar with. I had been there before.
She was also a writer and I was able to share some of the techniques that I had figured out for my writing. She left the conversation very encouraged.
In my late 20's and 30's when I was still single and living the freest version of my one big beautiful life, I used to travel for work. While there were certainly days when people exhausted me, for the most part, I loved it! Airports are a breeding ground for interesting stories, and the more I made "The Choice", the more I gobbled them up. On one of those trips when I was closer to exhaustion than exhilaration, I overheard a young man in uniform in the waiting area telling the people around him about his new baby, whom he was flying home to meet for the first time. He was noticeably anxious, leg bopping all over the place while he wrung his hands, but he was also clearly already in love, a baby-faced smile lighting his cheeks. I didn't have the energy to talk to him, but as I boarded the plane, I asked the flight attendant if I could swap seats, giving this young man my first class seat. I pre-ordered him a glass of champagne to toast his news and dutifully headed back to coach. When the young man found "his seat", I was sitting in it and a look of confusion and unease crossed his face. I smiled, and told him I heard his news and was hoping he'd accept a bit of a congratulations gift and take my seat in first class. I have never seen a grown man so excited in my entire life. He almost yelled, 'REALLY?!?" and pumped my hand up and down thanking me. I smiled for the entire flight, stuck in the middle with no elbow room. I think about that young many often, even though its been over a decade since that flight. That choice to interact with him in that way did so much more for me than it did for him, and I sincerely hope he will tell his little girl the story one day, to pay the choice forward so she knows that her Daddy was talking about her in an airport even before he met her. Thank you for reminding me about my choice and why its so important to keep choosing people and humanity first.
Thank you so much for sharing this story, Jess — what an inspiring and thoughtful thing to do! I’m sure that he does remember that plane ride, and that he still tells that story. I love thinking of little things we each can do to brighten other people’s days.
My pleasure! It seemed like such a simple thing at the time, but its one of the few actions that brings me joy every time I remember it, even though my motivation for doing it was to bring some joy to his life. I think that’s the reciprocal nature of “The Choice,” and it offers us so much more to work with than we even realize at the time.
Last week, I got on the elevator in the parking garage at work and briefly chatted with a gentleman who I discovered was a veteran. He was walking with the aid of a wheeled walker. When we got to the first floor, my inclination was to say a quick "have a good day" and rush inside the building (I was running late). But, I chose to walk with him; his slow, steady steps made me slow down (literally and figuratively). We had a very nice conversation. When we got to the front door, a coworker of his was waiting for him (it seemed like they had a routine). I'm grateful for the opportunity to slow down to connect with a stranger. ☺️
I have found that one of the easiest connections to a stranger is if they have a baby. I did this today at a rest stop on Interstate 90. The baby was 9 months old with his parents at the Panera inside, and after saying a few words to to the little fella I was able to strike up a brief conversation with his mom and dad. That always cheers me up.
Years ago we were eating outside at a restaurant on vacation. A sudden rain storm brought an older couple over to our sheltered table. It was a long table and there was plenty of room. We faced the choice of whether to engage or not. We did and had an amazing discussion with the couple. She grew up in Germany during WWII. It was fascinating hearing her experiences as a child during the war. I’ll never forget it.
The boa constrictor story is proof that curiosity does not need to accomplish anything to be worth having. It is so interesting how much of adult life quietly trains people out of asking questions that serve no purpose beyond delight, especially once every interaction starts getting evaluated for efficiency.
great article.
When I've traveled, sometime s the stress makes me want to stay in a comfort bubble... but invariably I've learned that I feel better, (happier, more at ease, more joyful, and less stressed) if I make a point to have a least a few small and friendly interactions. (I don't want to scare someone into thinking I'll be telling them my life story...and ppl have told me theirs not fewer them 5 times..exhausting!!)
Making time for genuine connection is truly not wasted.
I have to say, this post has made a massive difference to me today. I have had a low mood for the past few days, brought on by lots of events, today I decided to innocently engage and interact with people, it has totally transformed my mood
Karl, I'm so happy to hear this. Thank you for sharing!
An entire suitcase of Twizzlers is my new life goal.
Love this post, Catherine! Last week, I went to the doctor to get earwax removed so I could scuba dive. I was so embarrassed that I couldn't get it out myself, and I chattered like mad to the nurse...a stranger to me. I asked her about the strangest thing she'd ever found while cleaning someone's ear, and she said "Half a cockroach." An unexpected delight that still has me laughing and cringing in horror!
Oh my god. First of all: hilarious! (Second: what happened to the OTHER half?) Oddly (though perhaps not surprisingly) I also once asked an ear doctor what the weirdest thing was that they ever pulled out of someone's ear, and they told me a story about a kid who had put a dried bean into his ear (to which I was like, "What kind? Pinto? Black bean? Kidney bean?") -- which maybe wasn't itself THAT odd (especially compared to half a cockroach), but then they said that when the parents took the kid to the ER, there was some resident on staff who had the brilliant idea to try to get the bean out by putting Krazy glue on the end of a stick and using it to fish out the bean. (!!!!) Needless to say, that did not work. (The poor kid ended up having to go under general anesthesia so that an ACTUAL otolaryngologist could remove the bean AND the stick.)
A cautionary tale. . . .
Just a couple of days ago, I had a similar experience with passport control - the only individuals scarier than security check! I didn't hear what happened with the person ahead of me but when it was my turn, the agent rolled his eyes and said "some people," as though the person before did something pretty ridiculous. He made no eye-contact, mind you. The look on his face was stern [of course] and not inviting at all, but I went ahead anyway and said: "Well, at least it means you're never bored on the job." And he stopped, smiled, looked up at me with this look of unexpected surprise and amusement and said "You're so right." Abd that was it - small moment of connection and delight.
I am an extroverted introvert, but I will start a conversation with almost anyone at any time. I do it as a way to show people that I see and value them. There have been only a few occasions where I was met with silence or awkwardness, but 90 percent of the time the exchanges are uplifting, joyful, and just plain fun. So for the few times they are awkward, the majority of the time it's totally worth it. For me, the choice is always to engage.
Just yesterday, I was on a 3hr flight (window seat right over the wing!) and an older pair of twins sat next to me. The older woman and I struck up a conversation first when she noticed I was completing a Lego set of the Space Shuttle (and then she introduced me to her twin brother on the aisle seat!) We talked about community, bereavement, swim clubs, ukulele bands, health care, traveling to obscure places, addiction to technology, writing, reading, family, personality tests, catheters, college stories, Artemis II, and favorite authors. I can’t even begin to explain how lovely this conversation was! And how needed it was for me, touching in ways I didn’t know I lacked. :)
You had me at ukulele bands! :) But seriously: what a lovely story. Thank you so much for sharing it. (And I hear you on how these moments can touch us in ways that we don't even realize we're lacking.)
Nick’s book is fantastic, cannot be recommended highly enough.
Love everything about this piece. ♥️
Love this!
Small talk is powerful for our own mental and physical health, but also as a micro-bulwark that can scale over entire populations against authoritarianism. Timothy Snyder wrote about small talk explicitly in his book "On Tyranny."
Old school 2021 reading, more important now than ever:
https://snyder.substack.com/p/lesson-12-make-eye-contact-and-small-c94
Just last night I spoke with th a young woman on the train. She was wearing a Phila hat and so I ask "hey you from Philly". Her response, "no, but I claim it". Turns out she was from Lancaster a nearby small town outside of Philly. A town I was familiar with. I had been there before.
She was also a writer and I was able to share some of the techniques that I had figured out for my writing. She left the conversation very encouraged.