Great post, Catherine. I too find it depressing that the 'mental health space' was even needed and has now been colonised by the screen-gazers. There's a similar café in the university area near me and whenever I've looked in I've seen the same. As for interaction, I've discovered that I'm quite good at thinking up 'little escapades' with a slightly risky element and these are often of interest to other people. For instance, walking through the night to Stonehenge for Solstice sunrise. No we don't know the way, no we don't really know how long it'll take and we're not sure what we're going to do the next day (where to rest, there are a lot of restrictions and police around, you can't just camp anywhere.) That might be counterintuitive to someone thinking 'I must think of something easy to invite people to, like a coffee.' Think of something difficult and a bit nuts is my suggestion.
Yes! When I was writing my book about fun, I collected stories from people around the world about their most fun memories, and many of them had an element of playful rebellion, which is exactly what you're describing! Thank you for sharing :)
Another time I said to a friend (also based in London): 'Shall we go to Berlin - by train?' He thought for about two seconds and said 'Err… yeah!' My favourite people are the ones who say that straight off rather than 'In principle yes, but I'll have to look at my calendar' (or G-Cal 😆). Be the person who says err yeah!
Now you've got me thinking about this theme of how we interact… I travel by bus and tube a lot. I've noticed on buses many people will sit on the outside/aisle seat so they have two seats and no one can sit next to them without asking 'Excuse me, may I &c' They categorically don't want anyone sitting next to them. There can be a politely suppressed tut (well we are British!) if do you ask. Personally, I have had fascinating conversations with people on buses (mostly initiated by them but not always). Is this what the both-seat-hoggers are afraid of? That someone might talk to them?
There's a study by Nick Eppley and colleagues that specifically asked people to strike up conversations with strangers during their commute (with a control group that didn't). Turns out the group that had conversations enjoyed their commutes more, even if they had been dreading the idea! (I think he has a new book that I'm eager to check out)
Great article - my children are age 7 and 9 but I can see how uni/college is already going this way. Thanks to online lectures no one needs to go to campus at all now and I find that really sad.
The AI asking if you need to talk to it was hilarious and shocking!!
I'm a newer follower: I hope it's ok to join in! My kids have created a lovely opportunity for spontaneous connection! They're 3 and 6 and very in to riding bikes and scooters in the road in front of our house and I get to chit-chat with all sorts of people who are walking or coming home! Similarly, when I take them to the library, river, museum, or playground it's easy to chat with other parents/guardians and this caring-for-children community seems to be full of kind, understanding, and equally exhausted people! And school drop-off and pick-up were good sources too, before summer!
Thank you so much for this article! I really enjoyed it and these comments!
Spontaneity, uncertainty, serendipity -- take those out of kids' lives and of course they are less open to the world. (I.e., ANXIOUS!) Life can't be all G-Cal'd and that's good! But if you think that's BAD, everything becomes scary and daunting. Goodbye, dining hall, hello, toy room!
I'm your age, and I totally GCal'd my way through college, only I was using a paper planner (and still do :) ). But I actually think it was . . fine!? It was a way to make social engagements between acapella practice and chem lab? I am as anti-screen-zombie as anyone, but I actually am not entirely sure I get what the issue is here! I'd love to SEE some of these college Gcals . . . I loved yours! It DOES look like a lovely way to spend the day, and putting it into the calendar didn't detract from it!. Furthermore, most of the spontaneous fun I've enjoyed in my life (most recently I went to my college's a capella reunion ~1000 miles away for about 40 hours) involved lots of scheduling and logistics to allow them to actually happen in the first place . . .
I have found that being present where you are is one of the most important things you can do to maintain relationships. When you are with someone, be with them. Don't be looking at your phone. Don't be planning other things to do. Be present and engaged.
I love this essay. I work on a college campus in a staff role and see much of the same and it makes me worried about how it will be when my 11 and 13 year olds (still phone free) go to college. As an adult, here are some of the ways I work to nurture in person relationships:
1) Book clubs. Several!
2) Lunchtime walk buddy at work - standing date 2 days a week, cancellable if something else comes up, but we make it most of the time.
3) Gym buddy (same idea as above).
4) Get to know the parents of kids friends - not a new idea, but still working better than anything else. Many of these are only causal friendships/acquaintences, but a few real friendships have developed.
5) Local dance classes/events that meet monthly.
7) Volunteering, political activism.
8) Saying yes to most things I'm invited to do/join/contribute to.
So that looks like a lot of ideas, but in truth, I'm still looking for close friends. These various activities keep me awash in more casual friendships, but nothing like like college friends, yet anyway. Still searching for really close friends.
I think many connections "ebb and flow" as we age.. My 55th reunion was this past year at Smith College.. We did not have a 50th due to the pandemic, so we have established a bi monthly zoom call.. It's fascinating to see how our life paths have split, and rejoined with new vigor. ee Cummings wrote about two people who interacted and walked away "each feeling slightly superior to the other and is this not the desiderata of social intercourse".. That approach to interaction has truly mellowed.. We are all reborn in the womb of time.
Great post, Catherine. I too find it depressing that the 'mental health space' was even needed and has now been colonised by the screen-gazers. There's a similar café in the university area near me and whenever I've looked in I've seen the same. As for interaction, I've discovered that I'm quite good at thinking up 'little escapades' with a slightly risky element and these are often of interest to other people. For instance, walking through the night to Stonehenge for Solstice sunrise. No we don't know the way, no we don't really know how long it'll take and we're not sure what we're going to do the next day (where to rest, there are a lot of restrictions and police around, you can't just camp anywhere.) That might be counterintuitive to someone thinking 'I must think of something easy to invite people to, like a coffee.' Think of something difficult and a bit nuts is my suggestion.
Yes! When I was writing my book about fun, I collected stories from people around the world about their most fun memories, and many of them had an element of playful rebellion, which is exactly what you're describing! Thank you for sharing :)
Another time I said to a friend (also based in London): 'Shall we go to Berlin - by train?' He thought for about two seconds and said 'Err… yeah!' My favourite people are the ones who say that straight off rather than 'In principle yes, but I'll have to look at my calendar' (or G-Cal 😆). Be the person who says err yeah!
Now you've got me thinking about this theme of how we interact… I travel by bus and tube a lot. I've noticed on buses many people will sit on the outside/aisle seat so they have two seats and no one can sit next to them without asking 'Excuse me, may I &c' They categorically don't want anyone sitting next to them. There can be a politely suppressed tut (well we are British!) if do you ask. Personally, I have had fascinating conversations with people on buses (mostly initiated by them but not always). Is this what the both-seat-hoggers are afraid of? That someone might talk to them?
There's a study by Nick Eppley and colleagues that specifically asked people to strike up conversations with strangers during their commute (with a control group that didn't). Turns out the group that had conversations enjoyed their commutes more, even if they had been dreading the idea! (I think he has a new book that I'm eager to check out)
Great article - my children are age 7 and 9 but I can see how uni/college is already going this way. Thanks to online lectures no one needs to go to campus at all now and I find that really sad.
The AI asking if you need to talk to it was hilarious and shocking!!
I use my phone as a phone = I call people. Friends I am thinking of. For no reason. Everyday.
I leave my phone at home when I go out son I’m not tempted to but pulled away from the people I’m with.
I’ve been making mixed tapes + CDs for friends with collage cover art. I mail them or deliver them in person.
I'm a newer follower: I hope it's ok to join in! My kids have created a lovely opportunity for spontaneous connection! They're 3 and 6 and very in to riding bikes and scooters in the road in front of our house and I get to chit-chat with all sorts of people who are walking or coming home! Similarly, when I take them to the library, river, museum, or playground it's easy to chat with other parents/guardians and this caring-for-children community seems to be full of kind, understanding, and equally exhausted people! And school drop-off and pick-up were good sources too, before summer!
Thank you so much for this article! I really enjoyed it and these comments!
Spontaneity, uncertainty, serendipity -- take those out of kids' lives and of course they are less open to the world. (I.e., ANXIOUS!) Life can't be all G-Cal'd and that's good! But if you think that's BAD, everything becomes scary and daunting. Goodbye, dining hall, hello, toy room!
I'm your age, and I totally GCal'd my way through college, only I was using a paper planner (and still do :) ). But I actually think it was . . fine!? It was a way to make social engagements between acapella practice and chem lab? I am as anti-screen-zombie as anyone, but I actually am not entirely sure I get what the issue is here! I'd love to SEE some of these college Gcals . . . I loved yours! It DOES look like a lovely way to spend the day, and putting it into the calendar didn't detract from it!. Furthermore, most of the spontaneous fun I've enjoyed in my life (most recently I went to my college's a capella reunion ~1000 miles away for about 40 hours) involved lots of scheduling and logistics to allow them to actually happen in the first place . . .
I have found that being present where you are is one of the most important things you can do to maintain relationships. When you are with someone, be with them. Don't be looking at your phone. Don't be planning other things to do. Be present and engaged.
I love this essay. I work on a college campus in a staff role and see much of the same and it makes me worried about how it will be when my 11 and 13 year olds (still phone free) go to college. As an adult, here are some of the ways I work to nurture in person relationships:
1) Book clubs. Several!
2) Lunchtime walk buddy at work - standing date 2 days a week, cancellable if something else comes up, but we make it most of the time.
3) Gym buddy (same idea as above).
4) Get to know the parents of kids friends - not a new idea, but still working better than anything else. Many of these are only causal friendships/acquaintences, but a few real friendships have developed.
5) Local dance classes/events that meet monthly.
7) Volunteering, political activism.
8) Saying yes to most things I'm invited to do/join/contribute to.
So that looks like a lot of ideas, but in truth, I'm still looking for close friends. These various activities keep me awash in more casual friendships, but nothing like like college friends, yet anyway. Still searching for really close friends.
I think many connections "ebb and flow" as we age.. My 55th reunion was this past year at Smith College.. We did not have a 50th due to the pandemic, so we have established a bi monthly zoom call.. It's fascinating to see how our life paths have split, and rejoined with new vigor. ee Cummings wrote about two people who interacted and walked away "each feeling slightly superior to the other and is this not the desiderata of social intercourse".. That approach to interaction has truly mellowed.. We are all reborn in the womb of time.
A beautiful reminder that time spent with people we care about is never wasted. Thank you for sharing.
AI is not a good substitute for a therapist, friend, confidant, even acquaintance.