My Takeaways from Toy Story 5
And how to create better screen/life balance for your own family
If you have not yet seen Toy Story 5, I encourage you to see it this weekend, regardless of whether you have kids. It is, of course, a tear-jerker (damn you, Pixar geniuses and your ability to tug on heart strings!), but it has several messages that I think are important for all of us to hear.
“Toys are for play. Tech is for everything.” —Woody
The main kid character this time around is an 8-year-old girl named Bonnie. Bonnie desperately wants friends, but when she finally works up the courage to ask neighborhood kids to play, they laugh at her and run inside to use their tablets.
Pixar then delivers one of the film's most haunting visions: house after house filled with children — and adults — sitting silently in dark rooms, their faces illuminated by blue light. It’s a dystopian (but also realistic) image in which the people seem less alive than the toys.
Takeaway #1: We need to reframe FOMO
When I do talks for parents about kids and tech, the most common question I get is from parents who (like Bonnie’s parents in the movie) don’t want to get their kids a phone or tablet or social media account or video game console, but are worried that their kids will feel left out if they don’t have access to these things. And so in many cases, they capitulate.
That’s exactly what happens in the movie: despite their apprehensions, Bonnie’s parents give her a tablet, known as Lilypad, specifically with the hope that it will help her make friends.
Their intentions are good, but the result is predictable: within seconds, Bonnie has been sucked into Lilypad’s screen. Suddenly the things that she formerly enjoyed (books, toys, imaginative play) all seem less exciting than whatever pops up next on her screen.
And, notably, she doesn’t seem happier as a result. Instead, she seems consumed.
This is where my suggested FOMO reframe comes in.
Instead of worrying about what our kids will miss out on if we don’t give them devices and social media accounts, I suggest that we focus on what they will miss out on if we do — which is to say, the freedom of childhood, a time of life that is both precious and short.
With their attention focused on their screens, they will miss out on the opportunity to have unplanned adventures and experiences, to make deep friendships, to laugh and explore and play and create — and, in so doing, build memories that will stay with them for life.
What’s more, they also won’t have opportunities to practice the hard stuff: making up after a fight. Asking someone out. Trying something challenging. Learning a new skill. Introducing themselves to a possible new friend. In the movie, we see Bonnie clutching Lilypad to her chest like a security blanket, the screen offering a frictionless escape whenever real life feels too hard.
If you think I’m being overdramatic, consider the fact that the average American teenager reports spending more than 5 hours a day on social media and YouTube, and nearly half of teens say they’re online “nearly constantly.” Add in time for school and sleep, and that doesn’t leave a lot of time for other things. In fact, many young adults I speak with say that they have very few memories of their own tween and teen years. They just remember scrolling.
Want help improving your own family’s screen/life balance? Check out my 7-Day Family Guide to Screen/Life Balance (details below).
Takeaway #2: Followers are not the same as friends
When Bonnie does successfully get invited to a sleepover by one of her faceless followers and brings Jessie, her cowgirl ragdoll, she’s ashamed to realize that the other girls aren’t interested in playing together (let alone with toys); instead, they sit in silence tapping on their tablets. (“How’s she supposed to make friends if they ain’t even looking at each other?” asks Jessie in dismay.)
It’s a great reminder of a point I often make when I talk directly to kids: a follower is not the same thing as a friend — and spending time together is meaningless if your attention is someplace else.
Takeaway #3: Tech Should Be a Tool
Some reviewers have said that, given the way the movie ends, Pixar is being too soft on tech.
I have a different take. Without giving away any plot details, I suggest that you pay attention to how the tech-based characters are being used, how (in the case of Lilypad) this changes over the course of the film, and what effect this has on the kids.
My interpretation is that Pixar has done a great job of distinguishing between using technology in ways that distract and consume us and leave us feeling bad, and using technology as a practical tool that helps us connect with other people in real life.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, I suggest that our goal be the latter.
Note: The movie doesn’t get into some of the truly dark sides of devices, social media apps, and gaming platforms, like giving sexual predators and drug dealers access to our kids, or subjecting them to content glorifying eating disorders, self-harm or suicide, or making them vulnerable to sextortion schemes. But let’s cut the filmmakers some slack: it’s a Pixar movie!
Takeaway #4: Entertainment is Not the Same as Play
If you were to ask me to summarize what I think the ultimate point of the movie is, it actually wouldn’t be about tech. Instead, I’d say that Toy Story 5 is a tribute to the importance of imaginative play — and a plea to parents to protect it.
This message is clearest in a moment when Jessie, the cowgirl, gets sucked into spending hours playing a simple video game (think early Gameboy) on one of the tech-based characters. When she’s finished, the device suggests that Jessie has just been “playing” — to which Jessie takes great offense.
Getting sucked into a game created by someone else isn’t play, argues Jessie. Instead, true play is imaginative and open-ended. It gives kids the freedom to create new worlds, experiment with new identities, play with plots, act out new ideas, and try new things, all without worrying that they’ll be criticized or judged. And that, Jessie argues, is what gets stolen from kids when playtime gets replaced by screen time: the precious — and fleeting — ability of children to lose themselves in open-ended play.
So what are we supposed to do?
I can imagine that many parents might finish the movie feeling like they’ve been punched in the gut, especially if they’ve seen the same tech-induced transformation happen to their own kids. To that end, a few practical suggestions:
Use the movie to open a conversation. Ask your kids what they think changed when Bonnie got Lilypad, and whether they see the same things happening in their own lives. What role do they think tech should play in your family life?
Is there anything that they wish they could change about how you use tech when you’re together? What could you do to make it easier for them to connect, spend time, and have fun with their friends in real life?
Level the playing field. Help your kids understand that this is not a kid-versus-parent issue; it’s humanity versus big tech. Everyone — parents included — is struggling with screen time, because the companies that design the most time-sucking apps and devices make their money by hooking us on their platforms.
This is one of the main messages of The Amazing Generation, the book for kids and teens that I co-wrote with Jonathan Haidt, and which (to my extreme delight) appears to be really resonating with kids. (Ask your kids to teach you something they learned from it.)Give them more opportunities to have fun in person with their friends. One reason that kids are turning to screens is that they often don’t have any other way to connect or hang out with their friends. Give them alternatives! Facilitate playdates. If possible, let them play outside. Make your house a fun place for them and their friends to hang out (for example, get some games and crafts and snacks and sports equipment). Make real life more appealing than screens.
Use tech as a tool. Tech is not inherently bad. What’s bad is technology that’s been designed to replace human relationships and addict us. If your kid is begging for a device, ask them what their goal is. Do they want to take pictures? Get them a standalone digital camera like CampSnap, a digital point-and-shoot camera that doesn’t have a screen. Do they want to connect with friends? Get them a land line like the Tin Can (and encourage other parents to do the same). Do they want to listen to audiobooks or podcasts? Consider Yoto, a screen-free audio player.
Don’t be afraid to change the rules. You’re the adult. If you feel that giving your kid a tablet or device was a mistake, you have the ability to take it back or enforce limits. Explain that your job, as a parent, is to keep them safe and help them grow up into capable and confident adults — and that we’re learning now that, when it comes to tech and kids, we adults have made a mistake that we are now in the process of trying to correct. (Just be sure that if you add restrictions, you are also adding new freedoms, such as the ability to freely talk to their friends on the phone, or invite their friends over, or have more independence out of the house.) For older kids (and, for that matter, adults), 3rd party app blockers like Opal can be useful.
For more ideas and suggestions, check out my new family guide.
But for now? Go see the movie — and let’s bring our kids back to life.
To scrolling less, living more, and standing up for childhood,
Want More Suggestions? Get My Family Guide to Screen/Life Balance
I recently created a 7-day plan specifically designed to help families get on the same page about technology.
Each day has a concrete assignment or exercise that will help you and your family establish healthy habits and boundaries with screens, social media, smartphones, and video games. It also has discussion questions designed to prompt conversation and level the playing field between you and your kids.
The goal is to help you turn confrontations over screen time into productive conversations — and to help create better screen/life balance for everyone in the family.
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Catherine, thank you for writing this wise and insightful article. I particularly appreciate the idea of asking about kids' "tech goals"—not only a great conversation starter but also a smart way to offer alternatives to the phone. As always, your guidance is practical, nuanced, and gentle. I'll be sharing this piece widely (oh, yes, and seeing the movie!).
Another great point is that your perception of time is tied to the novelty of your experience, when kids and teens have no new experiences, they are robbed of that magical part of childhood where downtime felt like it went forever. https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/out-of-the-darkness/202409/why-does-time-seem-to-speed-up-as-we-get-older